Yeeeech!

Let us now observe a spider up close:



It's like staring into the face of death, isn't it? And not the sort of ease-off-to-sleep death, or even the quick-hammer-over-the-head death, either. It's more like the your-death-will-be-very-long-and-very-agonizing- as-you-wait-for-my-children-to-hatch-under- your-skin-then-eat-their-way-out sort of death. I cannot support that type of death and I hope that no one I vote for will ever support that type of death, either. (Watch out for this hot issue in the coming presidential election!)

Clearly God dropped the ball on this one. It's like He left the spider design to an overambitious intern. The intern brainstorms: "You know what would be even cooler than four legs? Eight legs, man! And a freakton of eyes, too.. in all sorts of weird places! Oh! and check out his attack pose! Pretty cool, huh?" I'm sure if God caught this one before it got off the assembly line, he would have given strict orders to limit production of these things to just over a thousand, or however many it would take to fill the intern's bedroom. Or, the least He could have done would be to put a little brown sack over every spider's face and given them little DnD boards to play with in their basements, so they never infringe upon the beauty of this world.

And, man! they're just not cool! I could get over the ugly factor if they weren't so freakin' uptight. Like, I'd like to go up to one and offer him a pound (but with a finger tip instead of knuckles), 'cause it looks like he's got the sort of legs that would lend themselves great for a pound. Instead, it goes into that hideous attack pose and I get the jibblies.

Daddy-long-legs are cool. Moths are cool. Same goes for beetles. Spiders, though? Absolute freaks of nature.

--Heir to the Throne--