So you've been stumbling around Walmart at 3:39 AM drunk and/or high out of your mind. You bump into a bin of movies that cost - can it be true? - next to nothing! You feel like the luckiest chimp in the oak tree, as you stock up on racially insensitive, copyright-expired cartoons. And, gosh, you are pretty lucky. The tragedy is that meanwhile there is a sad soul who is going to be quite unlucky as he or she stumbles drunk and/or high into the dollar tree and knocks over a rack of DVDs that cost - do my eyes deceive? - only a dollar each!
I tell you now, those movies are a dollar not because they are overstocked, not because they have misprinted labels, and not because their copyrights have passed on. They are a dollar because they really do suck cheese balls. Even being drunk and/or high will not prevent the inevitable pain you are about to endure if you follow through in watching these films.
Yes, they look snazzy, have wicked cool titles (or downright confusing titles), and full of mindless plot twists due to crazy cover art, but those covers are utter lies. Utter, utter lies. Here is a brief guide of my recent discoveries.
ANCIENT WARRIORS
Okay, the room was spinning and all you saw was "Baldwin" and a skull. What you didn't realize, though, is that we're speaking of Daniel Baldwin. That should be your first cue to burn this DVD. Or maybe you knew it was D. Baldwin and thought the skull would predict his death in the film. You were wrong on this account, tragically.
I can't exactly remember what the movie was about, to be honest. Reading the back cover, however, I discover I'm not entirely in the wrong. "Special Forces Captain Aldo Paccione must" bla bla bla "Delta Force". ... "mine of Sardinia" ... "vengeful band of mercenaries". Unless that Delta Force comes with a side of Chuck Norris, it can't be worth it. This plot is vague enough to be forgotten. The second paragraph says something about a million years of angry souls and whatnot.
Really, the "Ancient Warriors" don't show up until the very, very end of the film, much like the monsters of Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies or The Brain that Wouldn't Die. When you need to wrap up your film in 5 minutes, it's often handy to have supernatural deus ex machina forces on call. Sadly, nothing in life this is this convenient. If so, there'd be misguided tanks rolling through the walls to end your weekly Monday meeting at the office before it went on for too long.
THE GUY WITH SECRET KUNG FU
Sounds like the classic tale of the underdog warrior waiting for his inner awesome to awake and save the day. Sounds wicked cool, I know. Guess again.
First fallacy: there is not just "the guy", this 1970's kung-fu sound-fx packed flying of fists and long wooden poles film. There are actually two guys - brothers, in fact. Or identical twins.. I don't know, they all look the same to me.
Second fallacy: there is absolutely no "secret" kung fu. Maybe "blatant uses of" or "extremely obvious" or simply "overt". There is not a single soul in this karate mess makes any attempt to hide their kung fu. There are twin brothers who use kung fu as often as their lungs (a lot), some tough lady with kung fu, a Tor Johnson zombie of sorts who may or may not actually use kung fu but is nonetheless heavily involved in quickly choreographed kung fu fights, and some boss dude who kung fus frog-style (the symbolic cuts to croaking frogs tipped me off big time).
What I suddenly came to realize as "The End" flashed across the screen midway through the final fight, is that all along it was I who was the guy with secret kung fu. It came to me as such a surprise, but that's why it was my secret kung fu and not my "readily available kung fu".
SOMEONE IS WATCHING
This cover and title is almost close to the film actually, and yet it's still pretty lame. First, the house is not nearly that big or fancy. I like big houses - plenty of places to hide bodies. The house in the film is actually quite humble, located in a humble neighborhood, not the Florida everglades which - don't ask me why - was where I assumed this nice mansion to be.
Also, no lightning ever occurs in this movie. I had high hopes the horrible voyeur the title implies would be Zeus back on earth looking to house invade after Hera kicked him outta Mnt. Olympus. Or maybe it was Dumbledore's creepy back story of his younger, voyeuristic life making spy videos for dollar porn dvds that he used to sell in the shadier alleys of Hogwarts. What can I say? I'm a dreamer.
What I suddenly come to realize is that like The Guy With Secret Kung Fu that that "someone" is actually me, and that I am watching a lousy movie when there are hundreds of houses out there I could be voyeuring myself and having a better time doing it than watching this movie.
POCKET NINJAS
The 1990s were a great time for the ninja in cinema, though none have come as close to insulting God and all his creations as this movie. I'll be the first to say that this movie might alone be why the jihadists have been so harsh on us. This movie cover looks like to be whimsical and fun-filled beyond our zaniest imaginations. For god's sake, it even has slanted writing! But no! Not even close.
If you answer "true" to any of the following statements, you will be thoroughly heart-broken:
- You think this film is about ninjas who fit in pockets.
- You think this film is about midget ninjas.
- You think the ninjas will fight with common household cleaning supplies.
- You think this film stars one of Scorpion's offspring.
- You think that this film will have ninjas with pockets, maybe large in size or inexplicably magical.
I can only surmise the people in charge of the cover art accidentally applied the wrong cover. Theoretically there's a fun filled film out there about ninjas who fit in pockets and can clean houses like nobody's business (even those hard to reach spots under the fridge!) named "So What the Hell is this About Again?".
"The fiercest fighting force under four feet"? God, I wish. They'd be easier to hang if that were the case.
