What began as a simple discussion on who would win in a fight - Toucan Sam or Cap'n Crunch (T. Sam, obviously) - snowballed into a larger, thornier debate on the hierarchy of cereal mascots. We began to wonder what would happen when the world turns like sour milk in the face of the apocalypse, and the battle for the most balanced breakfast was afoot. Who among the cereal mascots was the toughest, roughest, and most delicious? So after extensive research (i.e. watching youtube videos) we wrote up some light psychological profiles for all the cereal mascots and the possible scenarios they would encounter should a breakfast battle break out.
(Please note we have purposefully omitted Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble from Fruity Pebble Cereal, because as we all know cavemen died out long ago. Stop arguing, you know it's true.)
Trix rabbit -- useless coke addict with no income to acquire his much desired Trix cereal; desperate; thwarted easily by minors; probably last to be picked in dodgeball, and first to die in any conflict on any side. Due to his willingness to give up so easily, we definitely pinned this guy as stool pigeon material should he ever be caught. Also claims to be a master of disguise, but all his attempts to prove to be pathetic failures, ending always in the crushing reminder that Trix are for kids.
Cocoa Coocoo Puffs Bird -- quite delusional, also a crack addict, however WITH an income. Without his daily dosage of Cocoa Puffs, he is capable of flying off the handle in psychotic rages; probably insane. In short, we wouldn't trust him with a weapon, as this dude's pretty scary. Strangely enough, he seems to be the only cereal mascot to gain super natural powers without use of his cereal. Equip him with a ballpoint pen, and convince him there are Cocoa Puffs in the enemy trenches to witness a complete blood bath.
Cocoa Krisp Monkey -- Overall he is versatile, agile, and one cheeky little monkey. The ease in which he operates in the jungle combined with his knowledge of traps and roping puts him in special ops, without question. His nationality is yet undetermined, so he's probably a spy.
Toucan Sam -- one with nature; the old wise man of the tribe in the jungle. He is persuasive, patient, and one hell of a salesman. Killer beak power, but probably doesn’t even need to use it because of his Mr. Miyagi style powers. You probably want him leading the troops... following his razor-sharp beak, of course.
Tony Tiger-- Entrepreneur; he's got the goods. After feeding children, they somehow instantly possess super natural powers. Has Schwarzenegger style traits, though no word yet on if he's choosing to run for office. What he lacks in coordination he makes up for in brute strength, but only after a serving of his frosted flakes, which we're led to assume he laces with a steroid-cocaine concoction. Keep him focused, or else he'll fuck it up.
Cookie Crisp dog + robber, aka. Cookie Crisp Crook (CCC) and Chip the Cookie Hound -- Hastily assembled, persistent crooks, though are masters of transportation. Not too many brains in these bucket heads. So long as Officer Crumb is on the beat, these guys are just as useless as the Trix rabbit, though their motive for acquiring the Cookie Crisps are still unknown at this time. After disappearing from ads 2000, we're led to believe that that the CCC is probably already dead from a previous botched heist. Chip most likely turned the robber in for a clean slate, and went into the witness protection program with the new identity as Chip the Wolf. From there he lived off royalties while becoming a boring suburban dad, doing the occasional promo.
Smacks Frog -- unprecedented bowling skills, has a deep enough voice to scare anyone off. Has definite jive; represents the Rick James of cereal. His phrase, "I dig 'em" is indicative of not only the figurative slang phrase meaning "to enjoy", or the literal meaning to physically dig the smacks with a spoon, but also serves as a warning to all foes of the countless adversaries he has sent to the grave. Runs slave labor factory comprised of forest creature laborers in order to create a monopoly on Smacks cereal, with the ambition to take over the world with the mind altering power of his product, going to far as to travel the world in search of any Smacks cereal boxes he has yet to claim. Brainwashes children into buying into his corporate culture (i.e. toaster shirts).
Honey Nut Cheerio Bee-- bipolar, suffers from dynamic split personality. Outside of his walk-on-eggshells, Mickey Mouse-ish character, he has conceived an alternate reality in which he is hero. Probably will be captured and sent to POW camp, and among the first to suffer the 1000 yard stare. One-shot kamikaze super powers (i.e. stinger) is probably leading to the lack of confidence, though does show signs of gentle persistence, which won't cut it when the bullets start flying. Not the best salesman. Maybe give him a gun just to make him feel special.
Officer Crumb of Cookie Crisp Cereal -- the guy is one tough cooooookie; always gets his man. Probably retired and developed into an alcoholic following the passing of the CCC. With no more nemesis to pursue he has given up on life. You'll find him stupored in a back alleyway behind the liquor store, and still ready to fight in the name of public service.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cook, Wendell ---Decades of experience has led him to perfect yet another mind altering substance that even he cannot resist. He is a slave to his own creation and is in part oblivious to its power. Has the ability to travel through coaxial TV cables but lacks 20/20 vision, which makes him an easy target as soon as someone steals his glasses (cocoa krisp monkey would be his biggest threat). Probably has British royal naval background due to the fact that he obviously killed the other two chefs, once his assistants and close friends, and was able to cover it up. The unspoken tragedy, which took place in 1991, was no doubt the result of an intervention gone wrong.
Cap'n Crunch--- A hack, one hit wonder. Has many cereals, but all rely on the "crunch factor". Clearly obese, though has the ability to negotiate with pirate terrorists. In cahoots with inspector gadget for his mastery of hat-helicopter technology. Rides into battle with valor, fearless.
The Soggies --- their cunning and craftiness is only thwarted by the cold hand of Cap'n Crunch, and the fact they're a liquid. In the heat of battle they would be wise to claim no affiliation, and instead scavenge the remains of the fallen.
Rice Crispy Elves--- too loud to sneak up on enemy. Very gullible; easily fooled by drunk pirates. Tone deaf, no musical talent whatsoever. Probably will become Cap'n Crunch's slaves. Not leader material, they aim to please but not to please themselves (we hope not). Always doing the bidding of some higher power. Also, no magical powers to speak of. Association with the Keebler Elf Mafia is being investigated.
Sugar Crisp Bear- bears (no pun intended) traits of Bill Cosby. Agreeably not a force to be reckoned with, because though pantsless, he has entire endless arsenal of weaponry hidden inside his shirt. Totally mellow in the face of great peril, probably runs golden crisp as a front for his marijuana operations. Relies on brute violence, and murders without repercussion. Victims includes a whale, jolly green giant, and old woman. Bodies still being ID'd. Expert of espionage due to his involvement in sugar crisp as well as golden crisp cereals. Could be the Bruce Lee of cereal box characters.
Lucky Charms Leprechaun- Has the luck of the Irish right off the bat and is surprisingly sober, which gives him an automatic edge. Has the ability to evade children (the only cereal character to do so). Mystical rainbow powers, among others. Has secret, and questionably children-friendly underground silos where he leads children to kill them. A master of reverse psychology, as he earns their undying attention by purposely avoiding them. Inspired the film "Leprechaun" and all four sequels.
Count Chocula -- Has power to become a bat, as well as all other vampire traits without needing to appear in a crappy book series. Cannot be exposed to sunlight. However, in the end he is a fussy weenie.
Boo Berry -- got his start as a used car salesman and part time Peter Lorre impersonator. Wears hamburger on his head? Despite being a god *(^$ed ghost, he too is a coward.
Frankenberry -- Thorn in the side of Chocula. Their constant bickering indicates the two are probably married, or at least married in their past lives. Easily scared by harmless children. As a side note, we're pretty sure none of the paranormal characters will receive the shoo-in for most likely to take control in the wake of the apocalypse. Though they posses the infinite powers of darkness and eternal life, they squander their time and talent on pleasing children. All three are remotely located in Transylvania, though do own and rent property in Larne.
In summary, there must be something in the water because all cereal box mascots are inherently male, though we are making no indication of sexual preference. Keeping this in mind, we find their preference to children’s' company slightly disturbing. Whether they are simply getting their clients hooked while they're young, or for more nefarious purposes is up to stringent debate. Even while peddling their wares, most characters have clear addiction to their own substances of choice, which could be considered weakness or an incredible asset depending on which one comes out on top. Though despite the differences in their product, ALL are slave to capitalism.
With the lack of women in their society, one has to wonder where they all came from. Perhaps they've come from one single source, and said female mascot has yet to be identified, if indeed born of woman. If that's the case, we can conclude from their personality traits that this woman either held them all too much or not enough. It is also interesting note that the cereal market is limited to warm climate, land animals, and has yet to extend to marine and arctic environments.
As noted by the versatility of their appearance - i.e. the pastels of the 90s to their computerized counterparts of present day - we can conclude that they are constantly evolving at a rate.
In conclusion conclusion, this whole mess is a bizarre, psychological bowl of spaghetti, certainly not part of this balanced breakfast or balanced state of mind. We fear delving in too deep might uncover some horrible truths we cannot turn away from, so we're going to leave it at that. Breakfast may never be the same again.