Things are getting obscenely political around these times. At the sight of this year's candidates, I've opted not to run this time around for fear of utter defeat or, more likely, limb loss. Still, here's a general wrap up of some of the views of current candidates.
IMMIGRATION | |
Dr. Spiderface: We must protect our borders!.. we'll weave a large web between us and the Mecks'e Kahns. Cocoon trapped bodies. Sell as cheap food overseas. Keep as afternoon snack. | Heir to the Throne: Keeping Mexicans out is like keeping male mice from the female cage. I say let 'em in... we'll bag 'em and sell overseas as cheap slave labor. Keep a few for myself, of course. And we'll avoid product competition with other countries by selling them without warranty. |
GAY MARRIAGE | |
No marriage. Just procreate.... MUST PROCREATE preferably under the flesh of a larger species. | Mostly a problem in terminology, and we must be more specific. So here are the new marriages: regular marriage gay marriage flamingly gay marriage annoyingly gay marriage just-for-kicks gay marriage |
IRAQ WAR | |
Those caves are ideal for mass breeding grounds. When the time is right, the eggs will hatch. There will be plenty of food for our young. | First change of policy: change name of Iraq to "Pancake Land". This will revive interest in citizens thinking it's an entire new war. Plus, more people'd be more interested in defending Pancake Land than Iraq, for certain. And it wouldn't hurt if the citizens of Pancake Land took up synchronized dancing and song. Gahd, people! |
SOCIAL SECURITY | |
The elderly shall be used for their wisdom until comes their time to take their private journey into the Plains of Grenthor, where they shall be ultimately rejoined with the great arachnid spirit, FLUGH'ORE, in his web of eternity. Those too cowardly to take the journey shall be sacrificed to the larvae pit in hopes it will redeem their family name. | Said it before, I'll say it again: old people shall be used as fossil fuels. |
THE ENERGY CRISIS | |
Vanquish the ones you call "Kandadee'ens". Use their fallen bodies to float over the mightiest river. | See above. |
THE HOMELESS | |
Uneaten flesh shall be attended to. | I'll have 'em fight for my amusement. |
This has been Neil reporting. Keep it here, 'cause I keep it real.
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