Comedy Law

Throw a brick out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a lamp out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Misfire a gun in a random direction.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Misfire an arrow in a random direction.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a crumpled kleenex out the window... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Quickly throw an incriminating object over the shoulder.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drop a pin down a well... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a boot into the hall.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw Arch Hall, Jr. out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drop a bowling ball down a flight of stairs.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drive a '73 Cadillac off the canyon gorge... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.

I think it's safe to say this joke has moved beyond tired cliche into the realm of comedy law. If ever there was to be a scene in any comedy film in which some object is thrown off screen without the accompaniment of the dutiful stock cat screech SFX, the cinematic quality of the film would just drop. It'd be like not lighting a scene. Or not bothering to load the film into the camera before shooting. Or just neglecting to use periods to end sentences [STOP] *

*This joke would have worked better if it would allow me to insert mulitple spaces as to imply the sentence can't end. It was pretty funny, actually.... really.

However, cinema law is meant to be broken. This is how film geniuses are created - by shaking foundations. The first director to say: "No, we're not going to start the scene with an establish shot, we're starting close up, man, and I mean real close up! I want to fall in the actor's pores, man, and just stay there for the entire thing!" was probably not a film genius. The one who decided to start on a close up, move to a medium, then close on a wide shot probably got some recognition, though.

And I am a genius director.. without a camera. So I will demonstrate with the power of words (in semi-script format):

INT. BERNARD'S APT - NIGHT

GRETA, 26, unnecessarily hot but innocent, strolls about the room.

GRETA: Nice place you got.

BERNARD, 28, ridiculously not good enough for her, spots an erotic brick on his coffee table. He grabs it quickly and unsuccessfully discretely.

GRETA: What's that potentially embarrassing object you may or may not be holding?

BERNARD: Oh, um...

Bernard tosses the erotic brick over his shoulder. It flies out the window.
OFFSCREEN:
Ding! ding! (sounds of a bike bell) SMACK! "AH! Sonofa... whooooa!" Swerving, rattling, and the sound of a bike smashing a windshield. Car alarm goes off.
"Hey, man! What the f--- did you do to my wheels?!"
"It-it was an accident, I swear! An erotic brick came outta nowhe-"
"Like sh-- it did, you mutha f---er!"
"No - wait! Don't!"
BLAM! BLAM BLAM!
"Ohhh sh--, man! You killed him! oh f---, oh f---, oh f---!"
"Shut the f--- up, man! The mutha f---er had it comin'!"
"S---!... The cops are gonna find out, man - f---!"
"HEY! I said shut the f---"
Sounds of a police siren. Scrambling about.
[On loudspeaker]: "Put down your weapons! Come out with your hands up!"
"Oh, man, I told you, man!"
"Shut the f--- up and get the car started... TAKE THIS YOU MUTHA F---ERS!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"Suspect has become hostile - return fire!"
Lots of guns firing incessantly.
"Hurry the f--- up and get the car started!"
"The keys the keys! I don't know which ones, man!"
[On Loudspeaker:] "Cease fire! Cease fire! M'am, get down! Get out of the line of fire!"
Sounds of a panicking old lady. BLAM! BLAM!
[On Loudspeaker:] "M'am! Get the hell outta there!"
BLAM BLAM BLAM! Stock old lady screech.
[On Loudspeaker:] "F---! Get an ambulance!"
Gun fire resumes from both sides. Sound of car starting.
"I got it! I got it!"
"Good - now get us the hell outta here!!"
vvvVVVVRROOM! Car tire squeals. Smmmash! Glass breaking. "Watch out!" "Take cover!" Car drives again. Clang! ffffFFFFFRRROOOOOOSSSSHHHHH! Sound of a fire hydrant breaking off and water shooting out of the ground.
"What the F---, man?!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"MAN, WHAT THE -"
BLAM!
" - AARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
"Oh God! oh God! oh God! Blood!"
Car reverses. Sound of crash and wood fracturing. Wood groaning, then telephone pole collapsing. Smmmmasssh! Sounds of electricity. Sounds of jittering, stuttering screaming. Then eerie silence.

BERNARD: Nothing! Nothing at all!

FADE OUT.


You know, if someone steals this and uses before I can, I may just have to bust a cap in someone's ass.
-HEIR TO THE THRONE-