the last straw!

Those with the great misfortune to have this card delivered to their mailbox this past week...

.. are ever so fortune enough to be related or close to me.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and, in spirit of the card, Happy Kwanzaa!

groooouuuuu

"Life Goals"

A well thought out essay by Neil

Life goals are an important part of life. Life goals are a good thing to have. As Jesus once said, "if the ride is more fly, then you must buy." Or was that Snoop Dog? In conclusion, even if they both said it, the point stands: one must have life goals. Thank you.

... No, seriously, Snoop Dog is right, guys - life goals are important. And I've got em a plenty, do you? For those of you who I have not yet tortured in person, let me explain:

First off, I gots to get married to some cool chick (naturally). Preferably a thin blonde with a little junk in da trunk, but that's beside the point (for full list of requirements please read the entire application). We won't have kids, and instead travel the world doing really cool things, like sponsored jetski sky diving or professional motorcycle polo. Essentially, we're going to be that really cool couple that makes every other couple feel inadequate, and begging to be invited to our posh Mt. Rushmore patio and pool parties. However, since God has it in for me, my awesome wife has to die tragically in some freak accident. I'm thinking maybe a family of bad attitude mongolian death worms make a home in her nose powder, which of course she never used to begin with because she was so hot anyway. She's probably only going to open it thinking it would be a great place to store the last pieces of the crystal skull that we found during an archeological expedition with the Harlem Globetrotters (it doesn't get more awesome than that, really). I'm still ironing that part out, but somehow she's just gonna die.

Now, this is going to happen at a point in which I'll be at that not-old-but-not-young-enough age to start a courtin' women again. And seeing as I just had the best marriage known to man, there's little point in trying to find something to fill that void. So I'm just going to get fat. That's right - just outright give up. I will be the moo-moo draped fat ass in the electric cart taking up the entire pastry and dairy aisles of Walmart. I will be an incredibly hulking fatty. Because, at this point, after living the coolest life ever, what is there to look forward to? Gluttony, my friends.

And while I live the remainder of my chortling years as a gelatinous mess, I will invent was I will call the "fat five", a certain type of high-five only to be performed by the lordiest of lards. Here are the steps to the fat five:

1) First, I must be in a reclined position with all my fat culminating in the neck region. Odds are I'll be in this position anyway, never having the need to leave my electric cart.

2) I spot another fatty, so I say with all my effort: "erghhh phhat phive!" The other fatty will respond with the same phrase.

3) Again, with all my might, and making a sound like "grroooouuuuuuu" I will attempt to raise my arm to give a high five.

4) I promptly give up, and take a sip from my Big Gulp.

The Fat Five, ladies and gentlemen! Things are certainly up for the future!... or out.. wide, maybe.

snack time!

If you haven't pieced it together yet, it's totally fat awareness month! That's right! Are you aware of the fat around you?

And now, in accordance to fat awareness month, here are some random fat facts for you to chew over:

Fascinating fat fact #1:

How many famous fat people can you name? Trick question! There are none! Famous fat people are only famous because they happened to eat someone with more energy and motivation! Odds are they're probably still alive down there. Oh, the humanity!

Fascinating Fat Fact #2:

In poorer countries, being fat is a sign of significant wealth! Because logically, if there's no food in those countries to eat those guys must be fattening up on something. I guess those guy were really sure to eat their greens!

Fascinating Fat Fact #3:

According to NASA scientists, if the number of overweight Americans increases at its current rate, by the year 2013 the solar system will in fact rotate around the earth! Now that's a weighty issue!

Still, remember: the Matrix would like to remind us of fat peoples' larger contribution of energy ensuring its own survival for many years to come.

I got one more then I'll lay off the fatties. (ha HA! Once they're done laying on me!)

roll out da barrels

Life with free time is weird, man.

Lardy, Lardy!

Oy! Fatty! Fatty McFatterson! Yeah, I'm talking to you, turkey gravy! Tubby gut chin-a-thon! Flabs O'Flabbery, chicken grease emporium! When you plan on rolling into or onto town, butter fingers?

You've probably heard them all, you obeselium. And you should be ashamed that your gut waves with less effort and energy than your hands. However, while I'll taunt you mercilessly (because I assume you can absorb a lot before you feel anything) I'm not writing this blog entry simply to hate on your guts, not that there's enough hate in the world for that. Halloween just passed and you probably spent it sitting around the house (quite literally) giving out candy to children because your arms were too stubby to fight off their little grasping hands from your candy tub, AND because you couldn't obtain a costume to attend a costume party not ever since Whale Dress Warehouse changed its name to "Tarps N Tents". Seeing as I am 7% body fat, you and I are slightly connected (though with the amount of cotton candy you eat just about everything connects to you), so I'm going to lend you hand with some quick 'n' easy costume ideas.

You see, my girthy mammothish friends, your body is a canvas - one helluva canvas I might add - that can be utilized in some amazing ways. For instance, break out those once white sweat pants that you've already sweat all the way through, and yellow shirt to be...

Grab a pair of tasteless checkered pants and your choice of colored shirt to be an ever so tasteful...

Deck yourself in red to be ohhhhh yeeahhhhh....

Get more in tune with nature with a little cah-razy hair dye as...

Odds are you're a slob with tons of dandruff. So break out the black, and awe as...

And speaking of black being just ideal...

Put those chunks to good use as you inverse from black to be...

Finally, be life the life of the party when you come parading in as...

Man! I'm on a roll,... which is bad 'cause you'll probably eat anything on roll, fat ass.

me lucky charms!

Dear boy, I call for another suspension! We're taking the show to the west coast, so that means more delays. In the meantime, here's some stuff to chew on, you bloody vultures. As I am one never to back down from a bad idea, or to show the results of said bad idea, I present to you my unfinished How to Talk Like Antonio Banderas Instructional Video. Enjoy!

Now here are the pieces I didn't have time to mess with and throw into the mix. This includes the out-of-syncer device that would come with you purchase... for an additional $345.45. (Plus this shows you how horrible the production process was.)

And now here's the video I made a year before that which was supposed to start a whole line of vlogs. It's slow, but it pays off if you stick with it.

... in a retarded sort of way.

if only

69

Not for lack of really bad ideas to share, but the blog is on hold indefinitely.  Spending way too much time working to land a real job in a vastly suffocating environment has left no time for clear musing, much less time to breathe.  Resumption on change of situation.  Cheers.

bbs

Face Off

Forget Benjamin Button, I've got a real story here that'll make your head spin.  We all remember Haley Joel Osment, right?  The ghost-seeing kid we all thought would grow up to look something like Sondre Lerche?

A fair prediction, right?

But it turns out we were wrong!  Let's see what really happened:

Any guesses to why he's dressed like a water farmer?

As these pictures clearly indicate, Osment's face and body are growing at different rates.  I submit to you the following theories: 1) The nutrition, hormones, and genetic predispositions that would alter size in the human body have all together ceased to reach Osment's face, while the rest of his body grows; 2) With the Sixth Sense certainly being his finest role, his instinctive adaptive survival skills have kept his face is an eternal Sixth Sense stage to keep him alive in the jungle that is Hollywood; 3) The world is slowly shrinking in proportion to his face; or 4) The most plausible theory is that Osment's body and face are two separate entities, who've teamed up and utilized their talents together to make a living.  It's a great plan in my mind, but its genius is sure to run dry when in a few years this is what we have to look forward to...

Furthermore, I submit to you that a movie about a person whose features grow at different rates would be far more interesting to watch  than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: A tale of man with a very odd (curious, if you will) affliction that poses virtually n0 conflict throughout his entire life.  What?  You want conflict?  What kind of heartless bastard are you?  He ages frikin' backwards, man - have some compassion!  God!

Pining for the fjords

Voted "Cutest Couple"??

No - I'm not dead.  Just busy.  But, rest assured, if I were dead, I would be haunting, and I would be haunting you.  And since you're dying to know (pun worthy of capital punishment), here is what I'd do to haunt you:

- Hide your keys, specifically right when you're about to leave the house to work or other such important pre-engagement;

- Flush the toilet whenever you hop in the shower;

- Undo your shoelaces entirely at random intervals.  Should you switch to velcro straps, I'll dip 'em in sand, because there's nothing more annoying than that;

- Make sure there is an odd number of pieces of bread in the bread bag;

- Make the toilet paper float just slightly out of reach when you need it the most;

- Fill your house with the catchy tunes of the Spin Doctors;

- Flick your ear periodically;

- Hit the "next chapter" button on the DVD remote right before every important part of every film should you bring home a DVD not from your DVD collection, which I have replaced entirely with episodes of Peewee's Playhouse;

- Add soy sauce to whatever you're cooking;

- Lock the bathrooms from the inside;

- Hog the covers in your sleep;

- Undo all the socks in your sock drawer and just mix 'em up, or, on exceptionally cruel days, steal one sock from each pair;

- Drink from the same cup you are;

- Have your clothing float around and do spooky reenactments of Archie and Edith Bunker... when you're trying to get to sleep, of course;

- If you ever do get to sleep, I'll rearrange all your furniture to surround your bed;

- And I will also use a sharpie marker on your face;

- Litter the floors with banana peels in unexpected places;

- Litter the halls with trip wire in unexpected places (ie. at eye level);

- Rehinge doors in unexpected places (ie. in front of another door opening towards the new door, the ceiling, and windows);

- Replace your mints and aspirin with moth balls;

- Fill your shoes with honey;

- Unscrew light bulbs just a little so they don't connect;

- Invite other ghosts over for recorder orchestra rehearsals.  We do mostly Super Tramp covers.

This is another list that can go on forever, which is good 'cause I'll probably be stuck roaming this earth for that long.  Essentially, it's a list of things as a mere mortal I can't quite do that I would like to.  None of this "friendly ghost" crap - I am Neil: that sonuvabitch ghost.  And this is a more immediate-notice list of things.  Not included are things like plucking the straws from your toothbrush few by few, or stealing a piece of your underwear one-by-one, or adding a sliver of rubber to the soles of your shoes day by day until they're massive platform shoes.  These are acts of jackassery requiring so much time, discipline, and sheer dedication it's something you gotta respect.

Man, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to die!

The Reckoning

Tarantula Jacket! Parte duex!

4

5

6

More still coming!!

I pity the fu

Do you understand now just how bored I'm getting?

"foux de fish fish" or "one fish, two fish, dead fish, blue fish"

So, I know I've been pursuing this whole animation thing for a while now, and it seems like that's officially my "thing".  Well, not anymore.  I'm sick of it.  I've got a new dream, and it goes like this:

STEP 1:

Don scuba gear, enter the ocean.

STEP 2:

Bow and arrow a fish that looks at me the wrong way.

STEP 3:

Collect hella cash from someone in a top hat and monocle, though those accessories can be skipped in a pinch.

I don't know why someone would pay me for fish homicide, but I can't be bothered with that.  I have a dream of sticking arrows through fish, and I intend on pursuing it.

Though bow and arrowing fish would be profession, I wouldn't just limit myself to that.  I'm also skilled in several different fish killing methods.

The End.

Creepy crawlers!

Parte 1

1

2

3

Part 2 coming soon enough!