Pining for the fjords

Voted "Cutest Couple"??

No - I'm not dead.  Just busy.  But, rest assured, if I were dead, I would be haunting, and I would be haunting you.  And since you're dying to know (pun worthy of capital punishment), here is what I'd do to haunt you:

- Hide your keys, specifically right when you're about to leave the house to work or other such important pre-engagement;

- Flush the toilet whenever you hop in the shower;

- Undo your shoelaces entirely at random intervals.  Should you switch to velcro straps, I'll dip 'em in sand, because there's nothing more annoying than that;

- Make sure there is an odd number of pieces of bread in the bread bag;

- Make the toilet paper float just slightly out of reach when you need it the most;

- Fill your house with the catchy tunes of the Spin Doctors;

- Flick your ear periodically;

- Hit the "next chapter" button on the DVD remote right before every important part of every film should you bring home a DVD not from your DVD collection, which I have replaced entirely with episodes of Peewee's Playhouse;

- Add soy sauce to whatever you're cooking;

- Lock the bathrooms from the inside;

- Hog the covers in your sleep;

- Undo all the socks in your sock drawer and just mix 'em up, or, on exceptionally cruel days, steal one sock from each pair;

- Drink from the same cup you are;

- Have your clothing float around and do spooky reenactments of Archie and Edith Bunker... when you're trying to get to sleep, of course;

- If you ever do get to sleep, I'll rearrange all your furniture to surround your bed;

- And I will also use a sharpie marker on your face;

- Litter the floors with banana peels in unexpected places;

- Litter the halls with trip wire in unexpected places (ie. at eye level);

- Rehinge doors in unexpected places (ie. in front of another door opening towards the new door, the ceiling, and windows);

- Replace your mints and aspirin with moth balls;

- Fill your shoes with honey;

- Unscrew light bulbs just a little so they don't connect;

- Invite other ghosts over for recorder orchestra rehearsals.  We do mostly Super Tramp covers.

This is another list that can go on forever, which is good 'cause I'll probably be stuck roaming this earth for that long.  Essentially, it's a list of things as a mere mortal I can't quite do that I would like to.  None of this "friendly ghost" crap - I am Neil: that sonuvabitch ghost.  And this is a more immediate-notice list of things.  Not included are things like plucking the straws from your toothbrush few by few, or stealing a piece of your underwear one-by-one, or adding a sliver of rubber to the soles of your shoes day by day until they're massive platform shoes.  These are acts of jackassery requiring so much time, discipline, and sheer dedication it's something you gotta respect.

Man, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to die!