Hello - my name is God, and I approve this message.

Little known fact!: over 90% of the polar bear footage from The Golden Compass was actually recycled from Coca Cola commercials! Because they were made for European TV, it all seems new to us American audiences.




And not even those lovable, huggable bears could salvage the piece of crap of a movie that was The Golden Compass, completely devoid of subtlety, charm (okay, there was occasional charm), coherency, direction, reason, or point. But, you know, maybe I'm being a bit judgmental. Maybe it just wasn't my type of movie. I guess if you got a thing for movies that absolutely butcher the books they're based on, spend every frame explaining stuff that can easily be conveyed without words (SHOW don't TELL) and then DON'T tell you what you need to know, run from location to location for the mere purpose of getting through the book, turn every fight scene that should have been mind-numbingly awesome into cliches, contains characters who act without any pinch of motivation, but speak with the sole motivation of conveying information to move the "story" along - let me catch a breath here - and I guess if you got a thing for movies that don't actually have a proper ending, then The Golden Compass will be right up your alley.

While most my friends who are bigger fans of the book than me were furiously punching at the theater projection, you could only hear me laughing at every moment of inconsistency, book-butchering, poor writing, and copping out. And then I laughed at how I spent $10 on the ticket.

Meanwhile, there's always that controversy about how anti-religious the books are. Well, not so much in the movie; there is no Church, just the Magistrate (who play such an insignificant role in the film). While the movie just does away with any form of nuance, and turns the Magistrate into a bunch of evil, white guys who like to wear all black, there really is no controversy.

So, I implore all religious leaders to not start any. It hurts my brain knowing that they haven't figured out that the more they chastise a film/book/whatever, the more publicity it's going to get, and, therefore, more sales. This is not a movie that needs any sales to begin with. Currently, the Catholic League is making a fuss - way to go guys. If they really wanted to prompt people to stay away from movies like The Golden Compass or The Da Vinci Code, just say it as it is:


Meanwhile, musing in another part of my brain:
anti-religion is all the craze! and it shows no signs of slowing! All the Church's protesting doesn't seem to be helping all that much, either, and their attempts to reach out to communities is kinda passe. So, I'm going to lend them a hand with a little proposition of my own. Here's how we garner more support - we fight fire with [really holy] fire:



"Tha's not the sting of a bullet yer feelin'... tha's the cleansin' power of Jesus Christ, pardner."

Pope Pain III is actually Jesse James reincarnated, sent back to Earth to lead the Catholic Church by day,.. but by night he wields his Holy revolver to battle devils and werewolves scattered across rural Europe. This time around, however, his enemy lies deep within the state of California, in the dreaded demon stronghold, Hollywood. After his people are attacked with propagandist films, Pope Pain III must gather up his 300-count army of Bishops to face the devious forces of atheist Hollywood, who wield the satanic (and overly-used) powers of CGI.

Okay, so it's still an idea in progress, but with God on my side, I think we can make it work.