Year of the chimp!

A bit late, but here it is anyway...

THE [OFFICIAL] LIST OF PEOPLE NEIL WILL MOST LIKELY WAKE UP NEXT TO ON JAN 1ST!

Listed from best case scenario to worst.

1. Johnny Greenwood

Obviously, being a Radiohead junkie Johnny is a shoo-in to the sack.  His guitaring is enough to work up a hypnotic trance, and he probably has a pocket Thom Yorke to lullaby me to rest.  Combine that with the rock/groupie cred to be gained, this wouldn't be too bad,.. besides waking up with the inexplicable desire to grow my hair out and mope around the house.

2. The Burger King King

Downright creepy.  I imagine this guy works in some pretty sketchy ways like - I dunno - slipping me a roofie, then using a Whopper to muffle my screaming.  There is absolutely no sympathy or humanity in those eyes, and that smile reeks of unrelenting sadomasochism.  Plus side: waking up with extra cash in my pocket, just like the commercials.

3. Mickey Rourke

Yeah, not much good going on here.  The man is what a dead cigar would look like if it was reincarnated as a human.  I take consolation in the fact that eons ago he looked pretty good, and that at least his career in on the upswing.  With enough alcohol in me, that's probably what I'd be focused on.

4. Ursula

Power always wins.  Drunk or not, a 300 pound woman with tentacles will have no trouble taking advantage of me.  In addition, assuming I was in her company, we'd probably have to be underwater.  Something about me not being able to breathe probably works to her advantage.  On the upside, at least something can be said about bedding with someone with that high stature.  

"All-powerful evil cartoon sea witch?  Yeah, I hit that."

5. Any combination of these fatties

Presented in Wide Screen.  At least it's cinematic, dammit.

6. Encino Man

What's worse than waking up from a frozen coma that's lasted thousands of years?  Maybe waking up next to Brendan Frasier dressed louder than his acting.  He probably stinks like Paulie Shore.

7. Any diabolical form Christopher Lloyd can conjure

Okay... maybe - maybe - if this were the early 1990's this would be a crazy set up for one of his many movies.  Zany antics to follow, with a highly improbable but convenient ending.  But no.  It's not the 1990's.  Waking up next to this guy means I've somehow volunteered my living residence to him after his Californian home burned down.  No antics here, just a lot of creep.

8. Pancho Villa

Resides in a bottle of tequila.  Once I drink him out of his home, he invades mine.  I wake up with a nasty hangover, traded on the sex slave market, and with 50% less organs.  I hope he at least leaves that wacky hat.

9. Of course...

'nuff said.

Happy 2009!