tribute to Sting

So I was brushing my teeth, and was thinking about some easy ways to increase my street cred. I came up with some easy solutions that I feel are worth sharing. So, easy steps to getting more cred:

1. Stab a nigga

Now I'm not actually proposing you go out and ram a butter knife through the reverend Jesse Jackson's head (unless it comes to that). Instead, always have this phrase playing in your head. Subconsciously, it will affect the rest of your behavior so that on the outside it will appear as though you do have the capability to shake up harlem with a pocket knife.

2. Tats

The more tattoos, the better. Get 'em all over. And try to avoid getting anything particularly meaningful. The most popular stuff you'll find are tattoos of cartoons characters doing lewd things. This implies you must have been in prison at some point, because there is little much else in there to do but make lewd drawings. So think Elmer Fudd doing Minnie Mouse, or Goofy shotgunning the Trix rabbit in the face. That right there is total street.

3. Bad nickname

This is the obvious one, of course. Make sure you come up with a rapper name that's incredibly bad and spelt wrong. People will initially criticize you, but the longer you stick with it, the more it becomes like a jingle and soon they come to accept it. In other words: jingles are the way to go. And what is better known than the "Pop, pop, fizz, fizz" jingle? So here are some drug-inspired rapper names not used: Alka Celzer, IBU-profen, Asspiring, Vy Co Din, Peptoe and Bizmoe.
And should you go with Alka Celzer, you'd already have your first song to remix and remake.

4. Talk the talk

There are certain business terms you should be familiar with when entering this line of work. "Women" are referred to as "bitches" or "hoes". "Men" are referred to as "bros" or "niggas". Everything else you wish to describe you call "shit".

5. Gold is ghetto

Repeat after me: gold is ghetto. Ghetto is street cred. Street cred gets you booty platter.
If you have no bling, get some! If your teeth are white, gold cap 'em! But now, let's go further. Here are some things that have yet to be Midas-ed that will definitely boost your cred to Ludacris extents: hair gel, eye brows, contact lenses, belly-button lint, nipples, finger nails, hip replacements, pubic hairs. Yes, it's nasty, but it's gold, man. And gold is ghetto.

6. Your first album

Find a song you and everyone else likes, misinterpret it, up the bass, then rap over it. Back up singers are a must, and they must be all indistinguishable. You can find a lot of them easy auditioning for high school choir. Even if you're not too clear on what to rap about, don't fret - just talk about this street cred list. Don't be shy about talking about yourself (by which I mean reminding audiences what your name is).
So, your lyrics might come out something like this:

"Yo, I'm Alka-Celzer
Got that, bitch - I'm Alka
and them cops be after me
'cause I just stabbed a nigga.
I got Goofy on my chest
poppin' a cap in the ass of the Trix rabbit
and my pubes are gold
yeah, my pubes are gold
and this is my first album
my name is Alka-Celzer"

That's just a rough example.

Of course, that's just one song on your album, which will be the hit. The rest of the songs your handy choir will take care of. You're simply required to go "yeh, yeh, yeh" over select parts.

Now what are you waiting for? Go out into the streets now and stab a nigga!