the college solution

"Listen - I don't care if you have fat, steamy, gay sex, just keep it on your side of the bed!"


We will be back with more Arguments I'm Glad I've Never Had right after these messages...

Every year brings a new group of freshman hopefuls to our brick-littered campus. Their enthusiasm is almost sickening, but I can take pleasure knowing that in just a few weeks, they'll be slumming just like the rest of us older folk. I get most my entertainment from the constant roommate clashes that are inevitable for the earlier weeks, and perhaps into the rest of the year. A constant problem is the visiting boy/girlfriend that makes things really awkward most of the time. Because I'm not an outright scuzzball, I will offer my assistance on this dilemma, for if it is not dealt with in a prompt and stern fashion, that b/g/f could be your third roommate!

PROBLEM: your roomie and the intruder spend all their time in your room, never leave, and make things really crowded. You no longer have your own private time!
SOLUTION: undress for success, I always say. Wear minimal clothing. Be foul - scratch, smoke, burp, trim random hair regions without cleaning up, don't shower, and fart like you're in a marathon (a term I would like to call "fartarchy"). Claim this is just how your culture is, and if he doesn't like it, he's an obvious bigot. If that doesn't get them out of the room, no worries! for your private time will be every time!
You can also bring over the sleaziest hooker on the market. Once she gets telling what she's done in her lifetime, the other two will probably clear out leaving you and the hooker. And hey! there's your Friday night right there!

PROBLEM: you think they're having sexy-time in his bed while you try to sleep. You don't want to know, but that heavy silence really makes every noise just too damn audible.
SOLUTION: make some popcorn, pull up a chair, invite some friends over, start placing bets. The only downfall to this if they think the idea is kinky. This would only promote bad behavior through the night and through the year.

PROBLEM: when you leave for a period of time, you suspect some really dirty things are happening on your property.
SOLUTION: set up cameras EVERYWHERE in your room, but reassure him: "I collect them. Don't worry, none of them work," and be sure to wink. This'll throw him for a loop, and make him a bit paranoid. Again, just hope they don't find it arousing.
A second solution would be to post a ton of painted portraits whose eyes could be that of someone spying. Think Scooby-Doo times 25.
But if you're SO concerned about them touching your stuff in dirty ways, tell him you have AIDS, then bleed over everything.

PROBLEM: Okay, they're not bumping uglies, but they're giggling a lot under covers.
SOLUTION: Feel free to do a little giggling yourself, but much louder, and much more creepy. If they move past giggling and you hear some slight snogging, do the very same but always one-up them. If they sound like they're pleasuring themselves a bit too much, again, just make more noise than them. If you can make them feel more awkward than you, you have succeeded!
I use a similar technique when trying to avoid urinal conversations. If it appears I'm having just too good of a time relieving myself, most other occupants of the restroom will leave me alone.

PROBLEM: Your roommate starts complaining to you that he and his partner need their own private time.
SOLUTION: blindfold yourself, and, no matter what, insist it's the same thing.


Essentially, in all you do, your main objective is to make sure you're not on the receiving end of a pellet gun loaded with awkward. Make your roommate more uncomfortable than you and you have the most satisfying victory of your life. And even when his partner isn't there, keep him on his toes. Place some cardboard boxes face down around the room, and occasionally hide under them and scuffle about... very slowly.
Fill the space with mannequins in casual or embarrassing poses.
Post your posters not just on his side of the room, but over all his possessions, too.
Go further by posting pictures of his girlfriend on your wall, and I mean a LOT of them!
Oh, hell, just go ahead and post pictures of scantly-clad Paulie Shore in erotic poses.
Rent out your roommate's space to a small family of Mexicans, and accuse him of being racist if he protests.
Combine your laundry with his.
Set up a telescope, and point it directly at his bed.
Wear his underwear when you run out.
Buy odd inanimate objects, move them about the room when he's not there, and swear they're moving on their own. (For the record, yes, I did actually do that.)
Wheel in an outhouse, and tell him you did it because you were homesick.
Tend a cage filled with various deadly arachnids, and when your roommate is around, say to yourself: "dammit! why does the lid keep falling off?"
Change accents every day. When you get that down, change personality types every day. Follow that up by changing between Ms. America contestants.
Urinate in soda bottles because you say you're too much of a germaphobe to use the bathrooms. Never throw ANY bottle out. Put some of the full bottles in the windowsill as lovely sun catchers. Take any extras you have lying around, and put them in the fridge along side your roommate's sodas. Regardless of whether he accidentally picks up the urine or actual soda, when he's in mid-sip shout out: "Dude! stop drinking my pee!" In fact, only say that when he drinks the soda. Any other time keep your lips sealed.


Oh, man! You know, the list is just endless! There is just no limit to what you can do to make your roommate's life miserable. However, as policy and karma dictate, your roommate must cast the first stone. THEN and only then do you retaliate. Otherwise, you're just a bad roommate.