snack time!

If you haven't pieced it together yet, it's totally fat awareness month! That's right! Are you aware of the fat around you?

And now, in accordance to fat awareness month, here are some random fat facts for you to chew over:

Fascinating fat fact #1:

How many famous fat people can you name? Trick question! There are none! Famous fat people are only famous because they happened to eat someone with more energy and motivation! Odds are they're probably still alive down there. Oh, the humanity!

Fascinating Fat Fact #2:

In poorer countries, being fat is a sign of significant wealth! Because logically, if there's no food in those countries to eat those guys must be fattening up on something. I guess those guy were really sure to eat their greens!

Fascinating Fat Fact #3:

According to NASA scientists, if the number of overweight Americans increases at its current rate, by the year 2013 the solar system will in fact rotate around the earth! Now that's a weighty issue!

Still, remember: the Matrix would like to remind us of fat peoples' larger contribution of energy ensuring its own survival for many years to come.

I got one more then I'll lay off the fatties. (ha HA! Once they're done laying on me!)

roll out da barrels

Life with free time is weird, man.

Lardy, Lardy!

Oy! Fatty! Fatty McFatterson! Yeah, I'm talking to you, turkey gravy! Tubby gut chin-a-thon! Flabs O'Flabbery, chicken grease emporium! When you plan on rolling into or onto town, butter fingers?

You've probably heard them all, you obeselium. And you should be ashamed that your gut waves with less effort and energy than your hands. However, while I'll taunt you mercilessly (because I assume you can absorb a lot before you feel anything) I'm not writing this blog entry simply to hate on your guts, not that there's enough hate in the world for that. Halloween just passed and you probably spent it sitting around the house (quite literally) giving out candy to children because your arms were too stubby to fight off their little grasping hands from your candy tub, AND because you couldn't obtain a costume to attend a costume party not ever since Whale Dress Warehouse changed its name to "Tarps N Tents". Seeing as I am 7% body fat, you and I are slightly connected (though with the amount of cotton candy you eat just about everything connects to you), so I'm going to lend you hand with some quick 'n' easy costume ideas.

You see, my girthy mammothish friends, your body is a canvas - one helluva canvas I might add - that can be utilized in some amazing ways. For instance, break out those once white sweat pants that you've already sweat all the way through, and yellow shirt to be...

Grab a pair of tasteless checkered pants and your choice of colored shirt to be an ever so tasteful...

Deck yourself in red to be ohhhhh yeeahhhhh....

Get more in tune with nature with a little cah-razy hair dye as...

Odds are you're a slob with tons of dandruff. So break out the black, and awe as...

And speaking of black being just ideal...

Put those chunks to good use as you inverse from black to be...

Finally, be life the life of the party when you come parading in as...

Man! I'm on a roll,... which is bad 'cause you'll probably eat anything on roll, fat ass.

me lucky charms!

Dear boy, I call for another suspension! We're taking the show to the west coast, so that means more delays. In the meantime, here's some stuff to chew on, you bloody vultures. As I am one never to back down from a bad idea, or to show the results of said bad idea, I present to you my unfinished How to Talk Like Antonio Banderas Instructional Video. Enjoy!

Now here are the pieces I didn't have time to mess with and throw into the mix. This includes the out-of-syncer device that would come with you purchase... for an additional $345.45. (Plus this shows you how horrible the production process was.)

And now here's the video I made a year before that which was supposed to start a whole line of vlogs. It's slow, but it pays off if you stick with it.

... in a retarded sort of way.

if only

69

Not for lack of really bad ideas to share, but the blog is on hold indefinitely.  Spending way too much time working to land a real job in a vastly suffocating environment has left no time for clear musing, much less time to breathe.  Resumption on change of situation.  Cheers.

bbs

Face Off

Forget Benjamin Button, I've got a real story here that'll make your head spin.  We all remember Haley Joel Osment, right?  The ghost-seeing kid we all thought would grow up to look something like Sondre Lerche?

A fair prediction, right?

But it turns out we were wrong!  Let's see what really happened:

Any guesses to why he's dressed like a water farmer?

As these pictures clearly indicate, Osment's face and body are growing at different rates.  I submit to you the following theories: 1) The nutrition, hormones, and genetic predispositions that would alter size in the human body have all together ceased to reach Osment's face, while the rest of his body grows; 2) With the Sixth Sense certainly being his finest role, his instinctive adaptive survival skills have kept his face is an eternal Sixth Sense stage to keep him alive in the jungle that is Hollywood; 3) The world is slowly shrinking in proportion to his face; or 4) The most plausible theory is that Osment's body and face are two separate entities, who've teamed up and utilized their talents together to make a living.  It's a great plan in my mind, but its genius is sure to run dry when in a few years this is what we have to look forward to...

Furthermore, I submit to you that a movie about a person whose features grow at different rates would be far more interesting to watch  than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: A tale of man with a very odd (curious, if you will) affliction that poses virtually n0 conflict throughout his entire life.  What?  You want conflict?  What kind of heartless bastard are you?  He ages frikin' backwards, man - have some compassion!  God!