Lardy, Lardy!

Oy! Fatty! Fatty McFatterson! Yeah, I'm talking to you, turkey gravy! Tubby gut chin-a-thon! Flabs O'Flabbery, chicken grease emporium! When you plan on rolling into or onto town, butter fingers?

You've probably heard them all, you obeselium. And you should be ashamed that your gut waves with less effort and energy than your hands. However, while I'll taunt you mercilessly (because I assume you can absorb a lot before you feel anything) I'm not writing this blog entry simply to hate on your guts, not that there's enough hate in the world for that. Halloween just passed and you probably spent it sitting around the house (quite literally) giving out candy to children because your arms were too stubby to fight off their little grasping hands from your candy tub, AND because you couldn't obtain a costume to attend a costume party not ever since Whale Dress Warehouse changed its name to "Tarps N Tents". Seeing as I am 7% body fat, you and I are slightly connected (though with the amount of cotton candy you eat just about everything connects to you), so I'm going to lend you hand with some quick 'n' easy costume ideas.

You see, my girthy mammothish friends, your body is a canvas - one helluva canvas I might add - that can be utilized in some amazing ways. For instance, break out those once white sweat pants that you've already sweat all the way through, and yellow shirt to be...

Grab a pair of tasteless checkered pants and your choice of colored shirt to be an ever so tasteful...

Deck yourself in red to be ohhhhh yeeahhhhh....

Get more in tune with nature with a little cah-razy hair dye as...

Odds are you're a slob with tons of dandruff. So break out the black, and awe as...

And speaking of black being just ideal...

Put those chunks to good use as you inverse from black to be...

Finally, be life the life of the party when you come parading in as...

Man! I'm on a roll,... which is bad 'cause you'll probably eat anything on roll, fat ass.

the call is coming from... me!

Alright, so you and your gang of teenage super sleuths are planning to enter the spooky woods and maybe film a wonderful film-student documentary.  You could follow the traditional formula ala Blair Witch Project, and make a deal of money... but die in the process.  Here's a brief list of items to bring to better insure your survival and general well being.

A Thesaurus

I'll be the first to admit that there's always space for "dammit"s, "f***"s, and "sh**"s (let's keep this PG, people) in an angry bout of words, but at some point it does get old.  During a tense objurgation, I'll get a craving for a good "curses!" or "bullocks!" or "confound you, you rapscallious rouge and this treacherous thicket!"  Keep things fresh and fun.  I think you'd want your last words to be composed of something more than one syllable words.

An axe and/or matches

Here's an obvious one.  I can guarantee you you won't be tormented by any haunted woods when it's a pile of ashes.

An ant farm

If all goes as planned, you're going to suddenly lose all sense of external locus of control, probably around the time you realize you have no control over your tent-mate's gaseous nature.  Or if you are that tent-mate, probably around the time you start hearing those weird rock noises in the distance.  Keep an ant farm along, so when you feel like you're powerless to your unseen torturers you'll have something of your own to screw with.  Yeah, you shake that cage up good and I'm pretty sure you won't feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain anymore.

Stilts

Seriously.  Hear me out.

Never once in my life have I ever seen a man on stilts and wished him death.  Inversely, I have seen teenagers or college aged students and have wished them death.  In the presence of a stilted man, I have dropped banana peels all over the place, yes.  Indeed, I have also lit the stilt ends on fire, and released hungry fire ants to journey their way up.  But death?  No, never.  I think when wearing stilts you're more likely to be a victim to a mischievous prankster, and only your pride and a sore bum may be on the line.

Better company

Cast photo of The Blair Witch Project.  (From left to right) A douchebag, a douchebag, a douchebag.

This is also an obvious one.  I think most teens in horror flicks are killed off because they're generally unlikable.  What we have then is not a bunch psychopathic killers, but some concerned citizens who are as annoyed as I am, and have decided to do something about it.  In that regard, they have my greatest respect.  Therefore, if you plan on getting lost in the woods, do it with cool people.  That alone will turn your expedition from a horror, slasher flick to a zany teen comedy, ripe with college antics!

Personally, my first choice of companions would be Jerry Seinfeld.  No one quite sounds more amusing the more frantic they get like Jerry Seinfeld.  And in getting lost, I'm going to want someone particularly observational.  

"So what's the deal with getting lost in the woods?  Frankly, I don't think the trees know where the hell they are, either!"

My second companion: someone black, or other such minority, as long as it's a male and  overwhelmingly stereotypical.  With the standard film death rate, this will ensure I'll at least survive until Act 3.

An iPod... with Wang Chung on loop

C'mon, simple laws of cinema here people.  There is no way anyone is going to be murdered while that song is playing.  I promise you no skulls will be busted... only grooves.

Now everybody Wang Chung tonight.