Creepy crawlers!

Parte 1

1

2

3

Part 2 coming soon enough!

Yesssss!

Some people find it odd that I often watch kid movies,.. until I call it "research".  Immediately they think I'm writing a screenplay, not finding ways to get children to reach into my pocket for candy.  Haha - how naive!

Seriously, though, I watched a lot of kids movies, and here I present to you my findings in form of lessons learned and initial reactions.

The Page Master

Better known as the "Lame Master".  Macully finally demonstrates the curse of being forever young.

What I learned: Nerdy, annoying shut-ins everywhere - if you immerse yourself in nothing but books and read read read, you will... no longer be a nerdy shut-in?  I guess budget cuts forced producers to cut that one scene... you know, the one where our hero actually makes friends.

Also: Always, always trust creepy dudes with fascination with little kids.

Also: Romance, Adventure, and Horror have places in this world, but why not Comedy or Eroticism?  No wonder this movie sucked.

Hook

Once upon a time Robin Williams starred in everything.  And it was horrible.  No amount of flubber could distance you from his chest hair farm.  Bad form!

What I learned: I'm siding with Captain Hook on this one: my dad sucks.  I'll play pistol baseball for the rest of my life.

Also: Over-actors are clearly evil, but we knew that one already.  No one suspected Steven Spielberg yet, though.

3 Ninjas

The twist: there are several ninjas in this film, not just three... plus three bumbling, surfer thugs.  What a treat!  (No, seriously, they're the best thing about this film, dude.)

Initial reaction: I swear to God, if I heard just ONE MORE little kid say "ay-ya!"...

Also: Start bringing guns to fights.  The bad guys only figure this out at the very end of the film, and, sadly, this lesson does not carry over to the next 3 Ninja film or any children's film for that matter.

Also: being a grown up pretty much guarantees you'll be nailed in the nads at some point.

3 Ninjas 3? 4? HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN 

Those caps are definitely necessary.

Initial reaction: Hulk Hogan is a washed up actor? ...no!  NO HE'S NOT!  Not my Hulk!

Lessons learned: Ninja children never grow old, and in some cases get younger.

Also: This time the bad guys did brings guns to fights very early on!  But they have yet to learn not to be utterly incompetent.  Sigh.

Angels in the Outfield

The movie pitch: "It's like Fear and Loathing Las Vegas meets The Omen crossed with Poltergeist, except instead of a demon child, you have a kid who hallucinates angels, and instead of a house we'll have a baseball team.  ...Whaddya mean?  Of course it'll sell!"

What I learned: if my opponents are a bunch of no-talents who can only win through divine intervention, maybe it's a good time for me to be making bargains with Satan.

Also: Baseball is the angel's sport of choice.  No wonder Satan wins so easily.  He probably plays rugby or South American soccer.

Also: Tony Danza is going to die soon?  It's a miracle!

Also: Christopher Lloyd, even in death is creepy, practicing voyeurism on a cosmic level.

Home Alone

What I learned: Losing a family may be the best thing to happen to any spunky child.  Hey... I was spunky once, too.

Also: The Laws of Comedy prohibit any child to commit accidental manslaughter.  Wrongdoers should have no fear of death, but damn! you're going to wish for it.

Also: let's hear it for creepy, old dudes!

Home Alone 2

What I learned: same thing as the first film - I don't need my family.  But losing them on purpose might be a little more difficult with ramped airport security.

Also: Rob Schneider has what's coming to him.

Also: always trust creepy, old ladies?  Sure, man, it's the 90s - times are changing!

Also: I must steal parents' credit card....

Also: Yeah, I know that recording device isn't that useful, but I still waaaaant onnnnnee!! Nowwwwww!

The Sandlot

You know, I actually still like this one.  Step off, man.

Blank Check

Initial reaction: Theft is soooo awesome.

What I learned: talking computers are hours of fun... no, really - they are.  Just run some Eminem lyrics through it.

The Mighty Ducks

Kids + hockey + a whole lotta drama + flashbacks.  Game on.

What I learned: Emilio Estevez is NOT Michael J. Fox.  I couldn't make that distinction as a child.  Still, I might have had a point - we need more MJF movies.

Also: Peewee hockey is relevant!

Also: Hockey is relevant, too..?  Now that can't be right...

Sidekicks

Otherwise known as "Partenaires de Combat" which must translate to "Chuck Norris is the Savior" in some divine tongue.

What I learned: Movies ahead of their time will go unappreciated when initially released.

Also: Chuck Norris did, in fact, exist before Chuck Norris jokes.  Man, film with Chuck Norris on it projects itself that's how badass it is.

Also: Chuck Norris will magically show up and help me if I sign up for a martial arts tournament unprepared.  I wonder if that'll work for the upcoming prom dance approaching in a few weeks.

The Wizard

Initial reaction: Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Christian Slater? Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo.  Must... subscribe to... Nintendo Power!!

What I learned: Who knew I could make a career out of playing video games?  Hell, even a retard can do it!  Screw college.

Also: go befriend a large, black truck driver named "Spanky".  No, really, do it.  

"So.. Spanky - why'd they call you Spanky, eh?"  The answer will probably have the phrase "prison time" in there some place.

Also: The Power Glove.... it's so bad.

Let's wrap.  What did we all learn?  That's right, all our childhoods sucked... Sucked!  I hate my life!  I hate you!  You don't understand me!  I'm going to my room, but not before storming up the stairs!

-Heir to the Throne

Year of the chimp!

A bit late, but here it is anyway...

THE [OFFICIAL] LIST OF PEOPLE NEIL WILL MOST LIKELY WAKE UP NEXT TO ON JAN 1ST!

Listed from best case scenario to worst.

1. Johnny Greenwood

Obviously, being a Radiohead junkie Johnny is a shoo-in to the sack.  His guitaring is enough to work up a hypnotic trance, and he probably has a pocket Thom Yorke to lullaby me to rest.  Combine that with the rock/groupie cred to be gained, this wouldn't be too bad,.. besides waking up with the inexplicable desire to grow my hair out and mope around the house.

2. The Burger King King

Downright creepy.  I imagine this guy works in some pretty sketchy ways like - I dunno - slipping me a roofie, then using a Whopper to muffle my screaming.  There is absolutely no sympathy or humanity in those eyes, and that smile reeks of unrelenting sadomasochism.  Plus side: waking up with extra cash in my pocket, just like the commercials.

3. Mickey Rourke

Yeah, not much good going on here.  The man is what a dead cigar would look like if it was reincarnated as a human.  I take consolation in the fact that eons ago he looked pretty good, and that at least his career in on the upswing.  With enough alcohol in me, that's probably what I'd be focused on.

4. Ursula

Power always wins.  Drunk or not, a 300 pound woman with tentacles will have no trouble taking advantage of me.  In addition, assuming I was in her company, we'd probably have to be underwater.  Something about me not being able to breathe probably works to her advantage.  On the upside, at least something can be said about bedding with someone with that high stature.  

"All-powerful evil cartoon sea witch?  Yeah, I hit that."

5. Any combination of these fatties

Presented in Wide Screen.  At least it's cinematic, dammit.

6. Encino Man

What's worse than waking up from a frozen coma that's lasted thousands of years?  Maybe waking up next to Brendan Frasier dressed louder than his acting.  He probably stinks like Paulie Shore.

7. Any diabolical form Christopher Lloyd can conjure

Okay... maybe - maybe - if this were the early 1990's this would be a crazy set up for one of his many movies.  Zany antics to follow, with a highly improbable but convenient ending.  But no.  It's not the 1990's.  Waking up next to this guy means I've somehow volunteered my living residence to him after his Californian home burned down.  No antics here, just a lot of creep.

8. Pancho Villa

Resides in a bottle of tequila.  Once I drink him out of his home, he invades mine.  I wake up with a nasty hangover, traded on the sex slave market, and with 50% less organs.  I hope he at least leaves that wacky hat.

9. Of course...

'nuff said.

Happy 2009!

Discount Slashes! Priced Percents!

The Languish Dynasty Christmas catalog is running late! I ran about the house looking for items to repackage and resell but found absolutely bubkiss! So I had to get a bit creative this go-round. The list may be short, but our prices will guarantee you can't afford all of it.

The woods make an awesome resource. For instance, this piece of rotting wood makes an awesome sushi platter!

Wow - I know!  Who thought combining Japanese and Hillbilly cultures was possible?

Now, originally we were considering the caption "Photoshopped sushi not included"... what were we thinking?  For just an extra bit of cash we WILL include the photoshopped sushi so you may spruce up any photo you want Japanese cuisine style.

And yet all we could think of was dead squirrels.

And if you're STILL not satisfied, I will personally dig up a stiff from the graveyard for you to use as a human sushi platter.  Just think of it as a human sushi platter with greater guarantee of immobility and with more atmosphere.

What else?  Oh yes!  

Just an empty bread bag?  Ha ha - no!  Add a little natural resources (ie. "leaves") and this becomes the first GREEN throw pillow!

Or, well, a brownish red throw pillow.  Sort of "rot flavored".  

Okay, no one is ever really going to be satisfied following xmas.  This is why this is sure-fire fliptastic.

The Santa Voodoo Torture Set!  

Put a little fear in the cigarette-blackened heart of that creepy, swifty mystic elf, who will gladly practice breaking and entering on your house and still neglect to read your xmas list.  What's this?  Socks, again?!  Arrange it so Santa'll never be able to wear socks again, much less walk.  That'll teach him.

While we're on the subject, children with great imaginations are very easy to shop for.  That's why I give you:

Bend 'em, Twist 'em, Twirl 'em!!  See what creative designs YOU can come up with!

Gahd dammit... what pieces of crap.

City dwellers and suburbaners alike will take joy in the urban flavorings of...

Yeah, it's been a while since I made a joke like that.

Order while supplies last!

this number goes out to all the hot Australian babes

It's that time again!


Pick a song (A-C, x to stop to play your own music)
then attract a mate with your dance moves (#1-8)




I don't know, what do YOU do a Saturday night?

while other things brew

"I swear to God, if any you slobbering brats or your dumb-ass, inbred parents feed anything to these fish, I will personally cut their slippery little heads off!  That's right, freaks - I am going to decapitate Nemo, deep fry him, and force him down your throats if you even think about feeding them."

-Management

And though I counted but one overweight, overall-wearing, rat-tailing hillbilly at the Chinese Buffet, his presence commanded such respect to allow him to cut anywhere in the buffet line and take as much as he pleased, with seconds and thirds if he pleased.  And though he could do so anyway, we all thought it best to let him feel like he was getting his way.

You think bringing in $115.50 worth of rolled change into a bank would be conversation worthy for a bank teller.  For them it should be like the customer returning a happy meal to a McDonalds employee due to the discovery of a deep-fried chicken head amongst the fries: conversation gold.  No such luck, in my case.  But, then again, if those bank tellers could make conversation, they wouldn't be bank tellers.

Production delays, production delays!  Things are in the works, you just have to wait.

the call is coming from... me!

Alright, so you and your gang of teenage super sleuths are planning to enter the spooky woods and maybe film a wonderful film-student documentary.  You could follow the traditional formula ala Blair Witch Project, and make a deal of money... but die in the process.  Here's a brief list of items to bring to better insure your survival and general well being.

A Thesaurus

I'll be the first to admit that there's always space for "dammit"s, "f***"s, and "sh**"s (let's keep this PG, people) in an angry bout of words, but at some point it does get old.  During a tense objurgation, I'll get a craving for a good "curses!" or "bullocks!" or "confound you, you rapscallious rouge and this treacherous thicket!"  Keep things fresh and fun.  I think you'd want your last words to be composed of something more than one syllable words.

An axe and/or matches

Here's an obvious one.  I can guarantee you you won't be tormented by any haunted woods when it's a pile of ashes.

An ant farm

If all goes as planned, you're going to suddenly lose all sense of external locus of control, probably around the time you realize you have no control over your tent-mate's gaseous nature.  Or if you are that tent-mate, probably around the time you start hearing those weird rock noises in the distance.  Keep an ant farm along, so when you feel like you're powerless to your unseen torturers you'll have something of your own to screw with.  Yeah, you shake that cage up good and I'm pretty sure you won't feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain anymore.

Stilts

Seriously.  Hear me out.

Never once in my life have I ever seen a man on stilts and wished him death.  Inversely, I have seen teenagers or college aged students and have wished them death.  In the presence of a stilted man, I have dropped banana peels all over the place, yes.  Indeed, I have also lit the stilt ends on fire, and released hungry fire ants to journey their way up.  But death?  No, never.  I think when wearing stilts you're more likely to be a victim to a mischievous prankster, and only your pride and a sore bum may be on the line.

Better company

Cast photo of The Blair Witch Project.  (From left to right) A douchebag, a douchebag, a douchebag.

This is also an obvious one.  I think most teens in horror flicks are killed off because they're generally unlikable.  What we have then is not a bunch psychopathic killers, but some concerned citizens who are as annoyed as I am, and have decided to do something about it.  In that regard, they have my greatest respect.  Therefore, if you plan on getting lost in the woods, do it with cool people.  That alone will turn your expedition from a horror, slasher flick to a zany teen comedy, ripe with college antics!

Personally, my first choice of companions would be Jerry Seinfeld.  No one quite sounds more amusing the more frantic they get like Jerry Seinfeld.  And in getting lost, I'm going to want someone particularly observational.  

"So what's the deal with getting lost in the woods?  Frankly, I don't think the trees know where the hell they are, either!"

My second companion: someone black, or other such minority, as long as it's a male and  overwhelmingly stereotypical.  With the standard film death rate, this will ensure I'll at least survive until Act 3.

An iPod... with Wang Chung on loop

C'mon, simple laws of cinema here people.  There is no way anyone is going to be murdered while that song is playing.  I promise you no skulls will be busted... only grooves.

Now everybody Wang Chung tonight.