A Thesaurus
I'll be the first to admit that there's always space for "dammit"s, "f***"s, and "sh**"s (let's keep this PG, people) in an angry bout of words, but at some point it does get old. During a tense objurgation, I'll get a craving for a good "curses!" or "bullocks!" or "confound you, you rapscallious rouge and this treacherous thicket!" Keep things fresh and fun. I think you'd want your last words to be composed of something more than one syllable words.
An axe and/or matches
Here's an obvious one. I can guarantee you you won't be tormented by any haunted woods when it's a pile of ashes.
An ant farm
If all goes as planned, you're going to suddenly lose all sense of external locus of control, probably around the time you realize you have no control over your tent-mate's gaseous nature. Or if you are that tent-mate, probably around the time you start hearing those weird rock noises in the distance. Keep an ant farm along, so when you feel like you're powerless to your unseen torturers you'll have something of your own to screw with. Yeah, you shake that cage up good and I'm pretty sure you won't feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain anymore.
Stilts
Seriously. Hear me out.Never once in my life have I ever seen a man on stilts and wished him death. Inversely, I have seen teenagers or college aged students and have wished them death. In the presence of a stilted man, I have dropped banana peels all over the place, yes. Indeed, I have also lit the stilt ends on fire, and released hungry fire ants to journey their way up. But death? No, never. I think when wearing stilts you're more likely to be a victim to a mischievous prankster, and only your pride and a sore bum may be on the line.
Better company
Cast photo of The Blair Witch Project. (From left to right) A douchebag, a douchebag, a douchebag.
This is also an obvious one. I think most teens in horror flicks are killed off because they're generally unlikable. What we have then is not a bunch psychopathic killers, but some concerned citizens who are as annoyed as I am, and have decided to do something about it. In that regard, they have my greatest respect. Therefore, if you plan on getting lost in the woods, do it with cool people. That alone will turn your expedition from a horror, slasher flick to a zany teen comedy, ripe with college antics!
Personally, my first choice of companions would be Jerry Seinfeld. No one quite sounds more amusing the more frantic they get like Jerry Seinfeld. And in getting lost, I'm going to want someone particularly observational.
"So what's the deal with getting lost in the woods? Frankly, I don't think the trees know where the hell they are, either!"My second companion: someone black, or other such minority, as long as it's a male and overwhelmingly stereotypical. With the standard film death rate, this will ensure I'll at least survive until Act 3.
An iPod... with Wang Chung on loop
C'mon, simple laws of cinema here people. There is no way anyone is going to be murdered while that song is playing. I promise you no skulls will be busted... only grooves.Now everybody Wang Chung tonight.
