Discount Slashes! Priced Percents!

The Languish Dynasty Christmas catalog is running late! I ran about the house looking for items to repackage and resell but found absolutely bubkiss! So I had to get a bit creative this go-round. The list may be short, but our prices will guarantee you can't afford all of it.

The woods make an awesome resource. For instance, this piece of rotting wood makes an awesome sushi platter!

Wow - I know!  Who thought combining Japanese and Hillbilly cultures was possible?

Now, originally we were considering the caption "Photoshopped sushi not included"... what were we thinking?  For just an extra bit of cash we WILL include the photoshopped sushi so you may spruce up any photo you want Japanese cuisine style.

And yet all we could think of was dead squirrels.

And if you're STILL not satisfied, I will personally dig up a stiff from the graveyard for you to use as a human sushi platter.  Just think of it as a human sushi platter with greater guarantee of immobility and with more atmosphere.

What else?  Oh yes!  

Just an empty bread bag?  Ha ha - no!  Add a little natural resources (ie. "leaves") and this becomes the first GREEN throw pillow!

Or, well, a brownish red throw pillow.  Sort of "rot flavored".  

Okay, no one is ever really going to be satisfied following xmas.  This is why this is sure-fire fliptastic.

The Santa Voodoo Torture Set!  

Put a little fear in the cigarette-blackened heart of that creepy, swifty mystic elf, who will gladly practice breaking and entering on your house and still neglect to read your xmas list.  What's this?  Socks, again?!  Arrange it so Santa'll never be able to wear socks again, much less walk.  That'll teach him.

While we're on the subject, children with great imaginations are very easy to shop for.  That's why I give you:

Bend 'em, Twist 'em, Twirl 'em!!  See what creative designs YOU can come up with!

Gahd dammit... what pieces of crap.

City dwellers and suburbaners alike will take joy in the urban flavorings of...

Yeah, it's been a while since I made a joke like that.

Order while supplies last!

this number goes out to all the hot Australian babes

It's that time again!


Pick a song (A-C, x to stop to play your own music)
then attract a mate with your dance moves (#1-8)




I don't know, what do YOU do a Saturday night?

while other things brew

"I swear to God, if any you slobbering brats or your dumb-ass, inbred parents feed anything to these fish, I will personally cut their slippery little heads off!  That's right, freaks - I am going to decapitate Nemo, deep fry him, and force him down your throats if you even think about feeding them."

-Management

And though I counted but one overweight, overall-wearing, rat-tailing hillbilly at the Chinese Buffet, his presence commanded such respect to allow him to cut anywhere in the buffet line and take as much as he pleased, with seconds and thirds if he pleased.  And though he could do so anyway, we all thought it best to let him feel like he was getting his way.

You think bringing in $115.50 worth of rolled change into a bank would be conversation worthy for a bank teller.  For them it should be like the customer returning a happy meal to a McDonalds employee due to the discovery of a deep-fried chicken head amongst the fries: conversation gold.  No such luck, in my case.  But, then again, if those bank tellers could make conversation, they wouldn't be bank tellers.

Production delays, production delays!  Things are in the works, you just have to wait.

the call is coming from... me!

Alright, so you and your gang of teenage super sleuths are planning to enter the spooky woods and maybe film a wonderful film-student documentary.  You could follow the traditional formula ala Blair Witch Project, and make a deal of money... but die in the process.  Here's a brief list of items to bring to better insure your survival and general well being.

A Thesaurus

I'll be the first to admit that there's always space for "dammit"s, "f***"s, and "sh**"s (let's keep this PG, people) in an angry bout of words, but at some point it does get old.  During a tense objurgation, I'll get a craving for a good "curses!" or "bullocks!" or "confound you, you rapscallious rouge and this treacherous thicket!"  Keep things fresh and fun.  I think you'd want your last words to be composed of something more than one syllable words.

An axe and/or matches

Here's an obvious one.  I can guarantee you you won't be tormented by any haunted woods when it's a pile of ashes.

An ant farm

If all goes as planned, you're going to suddenly lose all sense of external locus of control, probably around the time you realize you have no control over your tent-mate's gaseous nature.  Or if you are that tent-mate, probably around the time you start hearing those weird rock noises in the distance.  Keep an ant farm along, so when you feel like you're powerless to your unseen torturers you'll have something of your own to screw with.  Yeah, you shake that cage up good and I'm pretty sure you won't feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain anymore.

Stilts

Seriously.  Hear me out.

Never once in my life have I ever seen a man on stilts and wished him death.  Inversely, I have seen teenagers or college aged students and have wished them death.  In the presence of a stilted man, I have dropped banana peels all over the place, yes.  Indeed, I have also lit the stilt ends on fire, and released hungry fire ants to journey their way up.  But death?  No, never.  I think when wearing stilts you're more likely to be a victim to a mischievous prankster, and only your pride and a sore bum may be on the line.

Better company

Cast photo of The Blair Witch Project.  (From left to right) A douchebag, a douchebag, a douchebag.

This is also an obvious one.  I think most teens in horror flicks are killed off because they're generally unlikable.  What we have then is not a bunch psychopathic killers, but some concerned citizens who are as annoyed as I am, and have decided to do something about it.  In that regard, they have my greatest respect.  Therefore, if you plan on getting lost in the woods, do it with cool people.  That alone will turn your expedition from a horror, slasher flick to a zany teen comedy, ripe with college antics!

Personally, my first choice of companions would be Jerry Seinfeld.  No one quite sounds more amusing the more frantic they get like Jerry Seinfeld.  And in getting lost, I'm going to want someone particularly observational.  

"So what's the deal with getting lost in the woods?  Frankly, I don't think the trees know where the hell they are, either!"

My second companion: someone black, or other such minority, as long as it's a male and  overwhelmingly stereotypical.  With the standard film death rate, this will ensure I'll at least survive until Act 3.

An iPod... with Wang Chung on loop

C'mon, simple laws of cinema here people.  There is no way anyone is going to be murdered while that song is playing.  I promise you no skulls will be busted... only grooves.

Now everybody Wang Chung tonight.

And they're off!

Well, you now know who I'm not voting for.

the walls have ears

Another idea gone bust:

The 2009 Dictator Swimsuit Calendar

Upholding your walls with unyielding oppression.... 

and style!

Now why exactly this didn't fly, I don't know...

[Unadultered:

Jaws VI: Party Beach House

Hey everybody, look!  It's Russ the bastard killer whale!
















Dammit, Russ!