me lucky charms!

Dear boy, I call for another suspension! We're taking the show to the west coast, so that means more delays. In the meantime, here's some stuff to chew on, you bloody vultures. As I am one never to back down from a bad idea, or to show the results of said bad idea, I present to you my unfinished How to Talk Like Antonio Banderas Instructional Video. Enjoy!

Now here are the pieces I didn't have time to mess with and throw into the mix. This includes the out-of-syncer device that would come with you purchase... for an additional $345.45. (Plus this shows you how horrible the production process was.)

And now here's the video I made a year before that which was supposed to start a whole line of vlogs. It's slow, but it pays off if you stick with it.

... in a retarded sort of way.

if only

69

Not for lack of really bad ideas to share, but the blog is on hold indefinitely.  Spending way too much time working to land a real job in a vastly suffocating environment has left no time for clear musing, much less time to breathe.  Resumption on change of situation.  Cheers.

bbs

Face Off

Forget Benjamin Button, I've got a real story here that'll make your head spin.  We all remember Haley Joel Osment, right?  The ghost-seeing kid we all thought would grow up to look something like Sondre Lerche?

A fair prediction, right?

But it turns out we were wrong!  Let's see what really happened:

Any guesses to why he's dressed like a water farmer?

As these pictures clearly indicate, Osment's face and body are growing at different rates.  I submit to you the following theories: 1) The nutrition, hormones, and genetic predispositions that would alter size in the human body have all together ceased to reach Osment's face, while the rest of his body grows; 2) With the Sixth Sense certainly being his finest role, his instinctive adaptive survival skills have kept his face is an eternal Sixth Sense stage to keep him alive in the jungle that is Hollywood; 3) The world is slowly shrinking in proportion to his face; or 4) The most plausible theory is that Osment's body and face are two separate entities, who've teamed up and utilized their talents together to make a living.  It's a great plan in my mind, but its genius is sure to run dry when in a few years this is what we have to look forward to...

Furthermore, I submit to you that a movie about a person whose features grow at different rates would be far more interesting to watch  than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: A tale of man with a very odd (curious, if you will) affliction that poses virtually n0 conflict throughout his entire life.  What?  You want conflict?  What kind of heartless bastard are you?  He ages frikin' backwards, man - have some compassion!  God!

Pining for the fjords

Voted "Cutest Couple"??

No - I'm not dead.  Just busy.  But, rest assured, if I were dead, I would be haunting, and I would be haunting you.  And since you're dying to know (pun worthy of capital punishment), here is what I'd do to haunt you:

- Hide your keys, specifically right when you're about to leave the house to work or other such important pre-engagement;

- Flush the toilet whenever you hop in the shower;

- Undo your shoelaces entirely at random intervals.  Should you switch to velcro straps, I'll dip 'em in sand, because there's nothing more annoying than that;

- Make sure there is an odd number of pieces of bread in the bread bag;

- Make the toilet paper float just slightly out of reach when you need it the most;

- Fill your house with the catchy tunes of the Spin Doctors;

- Flick your ear periodically;

- Hit the "next chapter" button on the DVD remote right before every important part of every film should you bring home a DVD not from your DVD collection, which I have replaced entirely with episodes of Peewee's Playhouse;

- Add soy sauce to whatever you're cooking;

- Lock the bathrooms from the inside;

- Hog the covers in your sleep;

- Undo all the socks in your sock drawer and just mix 'em up, or, on exceptionally cruel days, steal one sock from each pair;

- Drink from the same cup you are;

- Have your clothing float around and do spooky reenactments of Archie and Edith Bunker... when you're trying to get to sleep, of course;

- If you ever do get to sleep, I'll rearrange all your furniture to surround your bed;

- And I will also use a sharpie marker on your face;

- Litter the floors with banana peels in unexpected places;

- Litter the halls with trip wire in unexpected places (ie. at eye level);

- Rehinge doors in unexpected places (ie. in front of another door opening towards the new door, the ceiling, and windows);

- Replace your mints and aspirin with moth balls;

- Fill your shoes with honey;

- Unscrew light bulbs just a little so they don't connect;

- Invite other ghosts over for recorder orchestra rehearsals.  We do mostly Super Tramp covers.

This is another list that can go on forever, which is good 'cause I'll probably be stuck roaming this earth for that long.  Essentially, it's a list of things as a mere mortal I can't quite do that I would like to.  None of this "friendly ghost" crap - I am Neil: that sonuvabitch ghost.  And this is a more immediate-notice list of things.  Not included are things like plucking the straws from your toothbrush few by few, or stealing a piece of your underwear one-by-one, or adding a sliver of rubber to the soles of your shoes day by day until they're massive platform shoes.  These are acts of jackassery requiring so much time, discipline, and sheer dedication it's something you gotta respect.

Man, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to die!

The Reckoning

Tarantula Jacket! Parte duex!

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More still coming!!

I pity the fu

Do you understand now just how bored I'm getting?