Now why do I still feel so empty?
....
If you haven't listened to Radiohead's new album, do so.
10.13.2007
i'm a desperate freak and freaking desperately
Now why do I still feel so empty?
....
If you haven't listened to Radiohead's new album, do so.
10.02.2007
the college solution
"Listen - I don't care if you have fat, steamy, gay sex, just keep it on your side of the bed!"
We will be back with more Arguments I'm Glad I've Never Had right after these messages...
Every year brings a new group of freshman hopefuls to our brick-littered campus. Their enthusiasm is almost sickening, but I can take pleasure knowing that in just a few weeks, they'll be slumming just like the rest of us older folk. I get most my entertainment from the constant roommate clashes that are inevitable for the earlier weeks, and perhaps into the rest of the year. A constant problem is the visiting boy/girlfriend that makes things really awkward most of the time. Because I'm not an outright scuzzball, I will offer my assistance on this dilemma, for if it is not dealt with in a prompt and stern fashion, that b/g/f could be your third roommate!
PROBLEM: your roomie and the intruder spend all their time in your room, never leave, and make things really crowded. You no longer have your own private time!
SOLUTION: undress for success, I always say. Wear minimal clothing. Be foul - scratch, smoke, burp, trim random hair regions without cleaning up, don't shower, and fart like you're in a marathon (a term I would like to call "fartarchy"). Claim this is just how your culture is, and if he doesn't like it, he's an obvious bigot. If that doesn't get them out of the room, no worries! for your private time will be every time!
You can also bring over the sleaziest hooker on the market. Once she gets telling what she's done in her lifetime, the other two will probably clear out leaving you and the hooker. And hey! there's your Friday night right there!
PROBLEM: you think they're having sexy-time in his bed while you try to sleep. You don't want to know, but that heavy silence really makes every noise just too damn audible.
SOLUTION: make some popcorn, pull up a chair, invite some friends over, start placing bets. The only downfall to this if they think the idea is kinky. This would only promote bad behavior through the night and through the year.
PROBLEM: when you leave for a period of time, you suspect some really dirty things are happening on your property.
SOLUTION: set up cameras EVERYWHERE in your room, but reassure him: "I collect them. Don't worry, none of them work," and be sure to wink. This'll throw him for a loop, and make him a bit paranoid. Again, just hope they don't find it arousing.
A second solution would be to post a ton of painted portraits whose eyes could be that of someone spying. Think Scooby-Doo times 25.
But if you're SO concerned about them touching your stuff in dirty ways, tell him you have AIDS, then bleed over everything.
PROBLEM: Okay, they're not bumping uglies, but they're giggling a lot under covers.
SOLUTION: Feel free to do a little giggling yourself, but much louder, and much more creepy. If they move past giggling and you hear some slight snogging, do the very same but always one-up them. If they sound like they're pleasuring themselves a bit too much, again, just make more noise than them. If you can make them feel more awkward than you, you have succeeded!
I use a similar technique when trying to avoid urinal conversations. If it appears I'm having just too good of a time relieving myself, most other occupants of the restroom will leave me alone.
PROBLEM: Your roommate starts complaining to you that he and his partner need their own private time.
SOLUTION: blindfold yourself, and, no matter what, insist it's the same thing.
Essentially, in all you do, your main objective is to make sure you're not on the receiving end of a pellet gun loaded with awkward. Make your roommate more uncomfortable than you and you have the most satisfying victory of your life. And even when his partner isn't there, keep him on his toes. Place some cardboard boxes face down around the room, and occasionally hide under them and scuffle about... very slowly.
Fill the space with mannequins in casual or embarrassing poses.
Post your posters not just on his side of the room, but over all his possessions, too.
Go further by posting pictures of his girlfriend on your wall, and I mean a LOT of them!
Oh, hell, just go ahead and post pictures of scantly-clad Paulie Shore in erotic poses.
Rent out your roommate's space to a small family of Mexicans, and accuse him of being racist if he protests.
Combine your laundry with his.
Set up a telescope, and point it directly at his bed.
Wear his underwear when you run out.
Buy odd inanimate objects, move them about the room when he's not there, and swear they're moving on their own. (For the record, yes, I did actually do that.)
Wheel in an outhouse, and tell him you did it because you were homesick.
Tend a cage filled with various deadly arachnids, and when your roommate is around, say to yourself: "dammit! why does the lid keep falling off?"
Change accents every day. When you get that down, change personality types every day. Follow that up by changing between Ms. America contestants.
Urinate in soda bottles because you say you're too much of a germaphobe to use the bathrooms. Never throw ANY bottle out. Put some of the full bottles in the windowsill as lovely sun catchers. Take any extras you have lying around, and put them in the fridge along side your roommate's sodas. Regardless of whether he accidentally picks up the urine or actual soda, when he's in mid-sip shout out: "Dude! stop drinking my pee!" In fact, only say that when he drinks the soda. Any other time keep your lips sealed.
Oh, man! You know, the list is just endless! There is just no limit to what you can do to make your roommate's life miserable. However, as policy and karma dictate, your roommate must cast the first stone. THEN and only then do you retaliate. Otherwise, you're just a bad roommate.
We will be back with more Arguments I'm Glad I've Never Had right after these messages...
Every year brings a new group of freshman hopefuls to our brick-littered campus. Their enthusiasm is almost sickening, but I can take pleasure knowing that in just a few weeks, they'll be slumming just like the rest of us older folk. I get most my entertainment from the constant roommate clashes that are inevitable for the earlier weeks, and perhaps into the rest of the year. A constant problem is the visiting boy/girlfriend that makes things really awkward most of the time. Because I'm not an outright scuzzball, I will offer my assistance on this dilemma, for if it is not dealt with in a prompt and stern fashion, that b/g/f could be your third roommate!
PROBLEM: your roomie and the intruder spend all their time in your room, never leave, and make things really crowded. You no longer have your own private time!
SOLUTION: undress for success, I always say. Wear minimal clothing. Be foul - scratch, smoke, burp, trim random hair regions without cleaning up, don't shower, and fart like you're in a marathon (a term I would like to call "fartarchy"). Claim this is just how your culture is, and if he doesn't like it, he's an obvious bigot. If that doesn't get them out of the room, no worries! for your private time will be every time!
You can also bring over the sleaziest hooker on the market. Once she gets telling what she's done in her lifetime, the other two will probably clear out leaving you and the hooker. And hey! there's your Friday night right there!
PROBLEM: you think they're having sexy-time in his bed while you try to sleep. You don't want to know, but that heavy silence really makes every noise just too damn audible.
SOLUTION: make some popcorn, pull up a chair, invite some friends over, start placing bets. The only downfall to this if they think the idea is kinky. This would only promote bad behavior through the night and through the year.
PROBLEM: when you leave for a period of time, you suspect some really dirty things are happening on your property.
SOLUTION: set up cameras EVERYWHERE in your room, but reassure him: "I collect them. Don't worry, none of them work," and be sure to wink. This'll throw him for a loop, and make him a bit paranoid. Again, just hope they don't find it arousing.
A second solution would be to post a ton of painted portraits whose eyes could be that of someone spying. Think Scooby-Doo times 25.
But if you're SO concerned about them touching your stuff in dirty ways, tell him you have AIDS, then bleed over everything.
PROBLEM: Okay, they're not bumping uglies, but they're giggling a lot under covers.
SOLUTION: Feel free to do a little giggling yourself, but much louder, and much more creepy. If they move past giggling and you hear some slight snogging, do the very same but always one-up them. If they sound like they're pleasuring themselves a bit too much, again, just make more noise than them. If you can make them feel more awkward than you, you have succeeded!
I use a similar technique when trying to avoid urinal conversations. If it appears I'm having just too good of a time relieving myself, most other occupants of the restroom will leave me alone.
PROBLEM: Your roommate starts complaining to you that he and his partner need their own private time.
SOLUTION: blindfold yourself, and, no matter what, insist it's the same thing.
Essentially, in all you do, your main objective is to make sure you're not on the receiving end of a pellet gun loaded with awkward. Make your roommate more uncomfortable than you and you have the most satisfying victory of your life. And even when his partner isn't there, keep him on his toes. Place some cardboard boxes face down around the room, and occasionally hide under them and scuffle about... very slowly.
Fill the space with mannequins in casual or embarrassing poses.
Post your posters not just on his side of the room, but over all his possessions, too.
Go further by posting pictures of his girlfriend on your wall, and I mean a LOT of them!
Oh, hell, just go ahead and post pictures of scantly-clad Paulie Shore in erotic poses.
Rent out your roommate's space to a small family of Mexicans, and accuse him of being racist if he protests.
Combine your laundry with his.
Set up a telescope, and point it directly at his bed.
Wear his underwear when you run out.
Buy odd inanimate objects, move them about the room when he's not there, and swear they're moving on their own. (For the record, yes, I did actually do that.)
Wheel in an outhouse, and tell him you did it because you were homesick.
Tend a cage filled with various deadly arachnids, and when your roommate is around, say to yourself: "dammit! why does the lid keep falling off?"
Change accents every day. When you get that down, change personality types every day. Follow that up by changing between Ms. America contestants.
Urinate in soda bottles because you say you're too much of a germaphobe to use the bathrooms. Never throw ANY bottle out. Put some of the full bottles in the windowsill as lovely sun catchers. Take any extras you have lying around, and put them in the fridge along side your roommate's sodas. Regardless of whether he accidentally picks up the urine or actual soda, when he's in mid-sip shout out: "Dude! stop drinking my pee!" In fact, only say that when he drinks the soda. Any other time keep your lips sealed.
Oh, man! You know, the list is just endless! There is just no limit to what you can do to make your roommate's life miserable. However, as policy and karma dictate, your roommate must cast the first stone. THEN and only then do you retaliate. Otherwise, you're just a bad roommate.
9.29.2007
From the archive
While I work on bigger, better things, here's something I dug up from underneath a closet of skeletons:
The Heir hasn't actually returned yet, but we wait in anticipation...
The Heir hasn't actually returned yet, but we wait in anticipation...
9.15.2007
somewhere, Woodman is crying
Today I spent a bit of time power washing my windows and the surrounding walls, having far more fun than anyone should ever have with a power washer. All the scuzz, twigs, bugs, and dirt gatherings peeled away almost effortlessly. It was a triumphant moment, for once again Nature attempted and failed to invade, much less influence, my territory. How the mighty fall! Nature, the once mighty conqueror of all, has resorted to measly plans of dirtying up windowsills, cobwebbing attics, and blowing leaves into my foyer. As the once greatest force on the planet, one really has to wonder: where did Nature go wrong?
Some experts argue that because of its long stay in power, it has lost sight of its values and, perhaps, its youthful edge. Certainly, as a leader, it certainly has lost its credibility. Its many factions are simply failing to find common grounds to agree upon, constantly quarreling among one another. Even after so many years, there is still no resolve in sight for the red and black ant conflict, which, as documented in Sim Ant, has taken countless lives. Nature's largest forces, residing in the continent of Africa, are simply unmotivated, lacking proper morale, and, thus, spend most of the day lounging outside.
In attempt to prove its global significance, it has resorted to random acts of terrorism, often missing strategic targets by hundreds of miles. An earthquake out west, tornado in the midwest, and hurricanes off the east coast. There is a clear fault in Intelligence, whose department is rumored to be a disorganized mess, crawling with vines and dandelions. Further rumors discuss the possibility of recalling the ice age in a final attempt to be victorious, no matter the cost to its own.
It is my opinion that Nature is simply spread too thin to have any sort of significant global impact. There is no denying that Nature is simply everywhere. It lacks the necessary numbers to control what territory it has! A withdrawal and regrouping should seriously be considered before doing anything else.
However, I suspect it is just too stubborn and proud in its age to take such actions. Suits me - I will be at the front lines with my power washer ready to spray off any attempts to dirty my window. I'll have my bug spray at hand to ward off any stray reconnaissance spiders that wander into my room. And my chain saw will be fully charged in case any tree decides to lean too far over my driveway.
The sooner we suppress this silly revolution, the sooner I can get a concrete garden to replace that ugly mess of twigs and grass plaguing my backyard.
Some experts argue that because of its long stay in power, it has lost sight of its values and, perhaps, its youthful edge. Certainly, as a leader, it certainly has lost its credibility. Its many factions are simply failing to find common grounds to agree upon, constantly quarreling among one another. Even after so many years, there is still no resolve in sight for the red and black ant conflict, which, as documented in Sim Ant, has taken countless lives. Nature's largest forces, residing in the continent of Africa, are simply unmotivated, lacking proper morale, and, thus, spend most of the day lounging outside.
In attempt to prove its global significance, it has resorted to random acts of terrorism, often missing strategic targets by hundreds of miles. An earthquake out west, tornado in the midwest, and hurricanes off the east coast. There is a clear fault in Intelligence, whose department is rumored to be a disorganized mess, crawling with vines and dandelions. Further rumors discuss the possibility of recalling the ice age in a final attempt to be victorious, no matter the cost to its own.
It is my opinion that Nature is simply spread too thin to have any sort of significant global impact. There is no denying that Nature is simply everywhere. It lacks the necessary numbers to control what territory it has! A withdrawal and regrouping should seriously be considered before doing anything else.
However, I suspect it is just too stubborn and proud in its age to take such actions. Suits me - I will be at the front lines with my power washer ready to spray off any attempts to dirty my window. I'll have my bug spray at hand to ward off any stray reconnaissance spiders that wander into my room. And my chain saw will be fully charged in case any tree decides to lean too far over my driveway.
The sooner we suppress this silly revolution, the sooner I can get a concrete garden to replace that ugly mess of twigs and grass plaguing my backyard.
9.14.2007
Another Friday
I should draw more discretely if I want to avoid another critiquing of my doodles in class. On the plus side, my prof liked them.
9.05.2007
Kickin' the mud off me boots
People wonder what life is like as an art student. Let me share how my day went:
Now give me back my tuition money.
Now give me back my tuition money.
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