The Languish Dynasty

great galloping galleons!

2011-06-17T22:45:00.009-04:00

In an alternate universe, Harry Potter is actually the Fonz. I think it would go a little somethiiinnng... like this....

I. First day of potions

II Brewing glory

III. The latest Ministry of Magic decree

Coming soon!

the puddingest of times

2010-12-28T14:44:00.007-05:00

Fin.

Look on the bright side...

2010-04-01T02:14:00.004-04:00

Hand cramp comics presents: Yawning at the Apocalypse.

major crunch effect, cap'n!

2010-01-15T23:29:00.004-05:00

What began as a simple discussion on who would win in a fight - Toucan Sam or Cap'n Crunch (T. Sam, obviously) - snowballed into a larger, thornier debate on the hierarchy of cereal mascots. We began to wonder what would happen when the world turns like sour milk in the face of the apocalypse, and the battle for the most balanced breakfast was afoot. Who among the cereal mascots was the toughest, roughest, and most delicious? So after extensive research (i.e. watching youtube videos) we wrote up some light psychological profiles for all the cereal mascots and the possible scenarios they would encounter should a breakfast battle break out.

(Please note we have purposefully omitted Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble from Fruity Pebble Cereal, because as we all know cavemen died out long ago. Stop arguing, you know it's true.)

Trix rabbit -- useless coke addict with no income to acquire his much desired Trix cereal; desperate; thwarted easily by minors; probably last to be picked in dodgeball, and first to die in any conflict on any side. Due to his willingness to give up so easily, we definitely pinned this guy as stool pigeon material should he ever be caught. Also claims to be a master of disguise, but all his attempts to prove to be pathetic failures, ending always in the crushing reminder that Trix are for kids.

Cocoa Coocoo Puffs Bird -- quite delusional, also a crack addict, however WITH an income. Without his daily dosage of Cocoa Puffs, he is capable of flying off the handle in psychotic rages; probably insane. In short, we wouldn't trust him with a weapon, as this dude's pretty scary. Strangely enough, he seems to be the only cereal mascot to gain super natural powers without use of his cereal. Equip him with a ballpoint pen, and convince him there are Cocoa Puffs in the enemy trenches to witness a complete blood bath.

Cocoa Krisp Monkey -- Overall he is versatile, agile, and one cheeky little monkey. The ease in which he operates in the jungle combined with his knowledge of traps and roping puts him in special ops, without question. His nationality is yet undetermined, so he's probably a spy.

Toucan Sam -- one with nature; the old wise man of the tribe in the jungle. He is persuasive, patient, and one hell of a salesman. Killer beak power, but probably doesn’t even need to use it because of his Mr. Miyagi style powers. You probably want him leading the troops... following his razor-sharp beak, of course.

Tony Tiger-- Entrepreneur; he's got the goods. After feeding children, they somehow instantly possess super natural powers. Has Schwarzenegger style traits, though no word yet on if he's choosing to run for office. What he lacks in coordination he makes up for in brute strength, but only after a serving of his frosted flakes, which we're led to assume he laces with a steroid-cocaine concoction. Keep him focused, or else he'll fuck it up.

Cookie Crisp dog + robber, aka. Cookie Crisp Crook (CCC) and Chip the Cookie Hound -- Hastily assembled, persistent crooks, though are masters of transportation. Not too many brains in these bucket heads. So long as Officer Crumb is on the beat, these guys are just as useless as the Trix rabbit, though their motive for acquiring the Cookie Crisps are still unknown at this time. After disappearing from ads 2000, we're led to believe that that the CCC is probably already dead from a previous botched heist. Chip most likely turned the robber in for a clean slate, and went into the witness protection program with the new identity as Chip the Wolf. From there he lived off royalties while becoming a boring suburban dad, doing the occasional promo.

Smacks Frog -- unprecedented bowling skills, has a deep enough voice to scare anyone off. Has definite jive; represents the Rick James of cereal. His phrase, "I dig 'em" is indicative of not only the figurative slang phrase meaning "to enjoy", or the literal meaning to physically dig the smacks with a spoon, but also serves as a warning to all foes of the countless adversaries he has sent to the grave. Runs slave labor factory comprised of forest creature laborers in order to create a monopoly on Smacks cereal, with the ambition to take over the world with the mind altering power of his product, going to far as to travel the world in search of any Smacks cereal boxes he has yet to claim. Brainwashes children into buying into his corporate culture (i.e. toaster shirts).

Honey Nut Cheerio Bee-- bipolar, suffers from dynamic split personality. Outside of his walk-on-eggshells, Mickey Mouse-ish character, he has conceived an alternate reality in which he is hero. Probably will be captured and sent to POW camp, and among the first to suffer the 1000 yard stare. One-shot kamikaze super powers (i.e. stinger) is probably leading to the lack of confidence, though does show signs of gentle persistence, which won't cut it when the bullets start flying. Not the best salesman. Maybe give him a gun just to make him feel special.

Officer Crumb of Cookie Crisp Cereal -- the guy is one tough cooooookie; always gets his man. Probably retired and developed into an alcoholic following the passing of the CCC. With no more nemesis to pursue he has given up on life. You'll find him stupored in a back alleyway behind the liquor store, and still ready to fight in the name of public service.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cook, Wendell ---Decades of experience has led him to perfect yet another mind altering substance that even he cannot resist. He is a slave to his own creation and is in part oblivious to its power. Has the ability to travel through coaxial TV cables but lacks 20/20 vision, which makes him an easy target as soon as someone steals his glasses (cocoa krisp monkey would be his biggest threat). Probably has British royal naval background due to the fact that he obviously killed the other two chefs, once his assistants and close friends, and was able to cover it up. The unspoken tragedy, which took place in 1991, was no doubt the result of an intervention gone wrong.

Cap'n Crunch--- A hack, one hit wonder. Has many cereals, but all rely on the "crunch factor". Clearly obese, though has the ability to negotiate with pirate terrorists. In cahoots with inspector gadget for his mastery of hat-helicopter technology. Rides into battle with valor, fearless.

The Soggies --- their cunning and craftiness is only thwarted by the cold hand of Cap'n Crunch, and the fact they're a liquid. In the heat of battle they would be wise to claim no affiliation, and instead scavenge the remains of the fallen.

Rice Crispy Elves--- too loud to sneak up on enemy. Very gullible; easily fooled by drunk pirates. Tone deaf, no musical talent whatsoever. Probably will become Cap'n Crunch's slaves. Not leader material, they aim to please but not to please themselves (we hope not). Always doing the bidding of some higher power. Also, no magical powers to speak of. Association with the Keebler Elf Mafia is being investigated.

Sugar Crisp Bear- bears (no pun intended) traits of Bill Cosby. Agreeably not a force to be reckoned with, because though pantsless, he has entire endless arsenal of weaponry hidden inside his shirt. Totally mellow in the face of great peril, probably runs golden crisp as a front for his marijuana operations. Relies on brute violence, and murders without repercussion. Victims includes a whale, jolly green giant, and old woman. Bodies still being ID'd. Expert of espionage due to his involvement in sugar crisp as well as golden crisp cereals. Could be the Bruce Lee of cereal box characters.

Lucky Charms Leprechaun- Has the luck of the Irish right off the bat and is surprisingly sober, which gives him an automatic edge. Has the ability to evade children (the only cereal character to do so). Mystical rainbow powers, among others. Has secret, and questionably children-friendly underground silos where he leads children to kill them. A master of reverse psychology, as he earns their undying attention by purposely avoiding them. Inspired the film "Leprechaun" and all four sequels.

Count Chocula -- Has power to become a bat, as well as all other vampire traits without needing to appear in a crappy book series. Cannot be exposed to sunlight. However, in the end he is a fussy weenie.

Boo Berry -- got his start as a used car salesman and part time Peter Lorre impersonator. Wears hamburger on his head? Despite being a god *(^$ed ghost, he too is a coward.

Frankenberry -- Thorn in the side of Chocula. Their constant bickering indicates the two are probably married, or at least married in their past lives. Easily scared by harmless children. As a side note, we're pretty sure none of the paranormal characters will receive the shoo-in for most likely to take control in the wake of the apocalypse. Though they posses the infinite powers of darkness and eternal life, they squander their time and talent on pleasing children. All three are remotely located in Transylvania, though do own and rent property in Larne.

In summary, there must be something in the water because all cereal box mascots are inherently male, though we are making no indication of sexual preference. Keeping this in mind, we find their preference to children’s' company slightly disturbing. Whether they are simply getting their clients hooked while they're young, or for more nefarious purposes is up to stringent debate. Even while peddling their wares, most characters have clear addiction to their own substances of choice, which could be considered weakness or an incredible asset depending on which one comes out on top. Though despite the differences in their product, ALL are slave to capitalism.

With the lack of women in their society, one has to wonder where they all came from. Perhaps they've come from one single source, and said female mascot has yet to be identified, if indeed born of woman. If that's the case, we can conclude from their personality traits that this woman either held them all too much or not enough. It is also interesting note that the cereal market is limited to warm climate, land animals, and has yet to extend to marine and arctic environments.

As noted by the versatility of their appearance - i.e. the pastels of the 90s to their computerized counterparts of present day - we can conclude that they are constantly evolving at a rate.

In conclusion conclusion, this whole mess is a bizarre, psychological bowl of spaghetti, certainly not part of this balanced breakfast or balanced state of mind. We fear delving in too deep might uncover some horrible truths we cannot turn away from, so we're going to leave it at that. Breakfast may never be the same again.

the last straw!

2009-12-23T02:28:00.002-05:00

Those with the great misfortune to have this card delivered to their mailbox this past week...

.. are ever so fortune enough to be related or close to me.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and, in spirit of the card, Happy Kwanzaa!

groooouuuuu

2009-12-20T23:18:00.005-05:00

"Life Goals"

A well thought out essay by Neil

Life goals are an important part of life. Life goals are a good thing to have. As Jesus once said, "if the ride is more fly, then you must buy." Or was that Snoop Dog? In conclusion, even if they both said it, the point stands: one must have life goals. Thank you.

... No, seriously, Snoop Dog is right, guys - life goals are important. And I've got em a plenty, do you? For those of you who I have not yet tortured in person, let me explain:

First off, I gots to get married to some cool chick (naturally). Preferably a thin blonde with a little junk in da trunk, but that's beside the point (for full list of requirements please read the entire application). We won't have kids, and instead travel the world doing really cool things, like sponsored jetski sky diving or professional motorcycle polo. Essentially, we're going to be that really cool couple that makes every other couple feel inadequate, and begging to be invited to our posh Mt. Rushmore patio and pool parties. However, since God has it in for me, my awesome wife has to die tragically in some freak accident. I'm thinking maybe a family of bad attitude mongolian death worms make a home in her nose powder, which of course she never used to begin with because she was so hot anyway. She's probably only going to open it thinking it would be a great place to store the last pieces of the crystal skull that we found during an archeological expedition with the Harlem Globetrotters (it doesn't get more awesome than that, really). I'm still ironing that part out, but somehow she's just gonna die.

Now, this is going to happen at a point in which I'll be at that not-old-but-not-young-enough age to start a courtin' women again. And seeing as I just had the best marriage known to man, there's little point in trying to find something to fill that void. So I'm just going to get fat. That's right - just outright give up. I will be the moo-moo draped fat ass in the electric cart taking up the entire pastry and dairy aisles of Walmart. I will be an incredibly hulking fatty. Because, at this point, after living the coolest life ever, what is there to look forward to? Gluttony, my friends.

And while I live the remainder of my chortling years as a gelatinous mess, I will invent was I will call the "fat five", a certain type of high-five only to be performed by the lordiest of lards. Here are the steps to the fat five:

1) First, I must be in a reclined position with all my fat culminating in the neck region. Odds are I'll be in this position anyway, never having the need to leave my electric cart.

2) I spot another fatty, so I say with all my effort: "erghhh phhat phive!" The other fatty will respond with the same phrase.

3) Again, with all my might, and making a sound like "grroooouuuuuuu" I will attempt to raise my arm to give a high five.

4) I promptly give up, and take a sip from my Big Gulp.

The Fat Five, ladies and gentlemen! Things are certainly up for the future!... or out.. wide, maybe.

snack time!

2009-11-27T23:30:00.009-05:00

If you haven't pieced it together yet, it's totally fat awareness month! That's right! Are you aware of the fat around you?

And now, in accordance to fat awareness month, here are some random fat facts for you to chew over:

Fascinating fat fact #1:

How many famous fat people can you name? Trick question! There are none! Famous fat people are only famous because they happened to eat someone with more energy and motivation! Odds are they're probably still alive down there. Oh, the humanity!

Fascinating Fat Fact #2:

In poorer countries, being fat is a sign of significant wealth! Because logically, if there's no food in those countries to eat those guys must be fattening up on something. I guess those guy were really sure to eat their greens!

Fascinating Fat Fact #3:

According to NASA scientists, if the number of overweight Americans increases at its current rate, by the year 2013 the solar system will in fact rotate around the earth! Now that's a weighty issue!

Still, remember: the Matrix would like to remind us of fat peoples' larger contribution of energy ensuring its own survival for many years to come.

I got one more then I'll lay off the fatties. (ha HA! Once they're done laying on me!)

roll out da barrels

2009-11-12T23:52:00.001-05:00

Life with free time is weird, man.

Lardy, Lardy!

2009-11-02T00:44:00.007-05:00

Oy! Fatty! Fatty McFatterson! Yeah, I'm talking to you, turkey gravy! Tubby gut chin-a-thon! Flabs O'Flabbery, chicken grease emporium! When you plan on rolling into or onto town, butter fingers?

You've probably heard them all, you obeselium. And you should be ashamed that your gut waves with less effort and energy than your hands. However, while I'll taunt you mercilessly (because I assume you can absorb a lot before you feel anything) I'm not writing this blog entry simply to hate on your guts, not that there's enough hate in the world for that. Halloween just passed and you probably spent it sitting around the house (quite literally) giving out candy to children because your arms were too stubby to fight off their little grasping hands from your candy tub, AND because you couldn't obtain a costume to attend a costume party not ever since Whale Dress Warehouse changed its name to "Tarps N Tents". Seeing as I am 7% body fat, you and I are slightly connected (though with the amount of cotton candy you eat just about everything connects to you), so I'm going to lend you hand with some quick 'n' easy costume ideas.

You see, my girthy mammothish friends, your body is a canvas - one helluva canvas I might add - that can be utilized in some amazing ways. For instance, break out those once white sweat pants that you've already sweat all the way through, and yellow shirt to be...

Grab a pair of tasteless checkered pants and your choice of colored shirt to be an ever so tasteful...

Deck yourself in red to be ohhhhh yeeahhhhh....

Get more in tune with nature with a little cah-razy hair dye as...

Odds are you're a slob with tons of dandruff. So break out the black, and awe as...

And speaking of black being just ideal...

Put those chunks to good use as you inverse from black to be...

Finally, be life the life of the party when you come parading in as...

Man! I'm on a roll,... which is bad 'cause you'll probably eat anything on roll, fat ass.

me lucky charms!

2009-10-21T15:26:00.003-04:00

Dear boy, I call for another suspension! We're taking the show to the west coast, so that means more delays. In the meantime, here's some stuff to chew on, you bloody vultures. As I am one never to back down from a bad idea, or to show the results of said bad idea, I present to you my unfinished How to Talk Like Antonio Banderas Instructional Video. Enjoy!

Now here are the pieces I didn't have time to mess with and throw into the mix. This includes the out-of-syncer device that would come with you purchase... for an additional $345.45. (Plus this shows you how horrible the production process was.)

And now here's the video I made a year before that which was supposed to start a whole line of vlogs. It's slow, but it pays off if you stick with it.

... in a retarded sort of way.

Whoa...

2009-10-07T14:55:00.009-04:00

And now, the story of my life:

C'mon, like you weren't thinking it, too...

if only

2009-09-05T21:44:00.002-04:00

69

2009-05-20T13:51:00.006-04:00

Not for lack of really bad ideas to share, but the blog is on hold indefinitely. Spending way too much time working to land a real job in a vastly suffocating environment has left no time for clear musing, much less time to breathe. Resumption on change of situation. Cheers.

bbs

Face Off

2009-04-11T21:53:00.011-04:00

Forget Benjamin Button, I've got a real story here that'll make your head spin. We all remember Haley Joel Osment, right? The ghost-seeing kid we all thought would grow up to look something like Sondre Lerche?

A fair prediction, right?

But it turns out we were wrong! Let's see what really happened:

Any guesses to why he's dressed like a water farmer?

As these pictures clearly indicate, Osment's face and body are growing at different rates. I submit to you the following theories: 1) The nutrition, hormones, and genetic predispositions that would alter size in the human body have all together ceased to reach Osment's face, while the rest of his body grows; 2) With the Sixth Sense certainly being his finest role, his instinctive adaptive survival skills have kept his face is an eternal Sixth Sense stage to keep him alive in the jungle that is Hollywood; 3) The world is slowly shrinking in proportion to his face; or 4) The most plausible theory is that Osment's body and face are two separate entities, who've teamed up and utilized their talents together to make a living. It's a great plan in my mind, but its genius is sure to run dry when in a few years this is what we have to look forward to...

Furthermore, I submit to you that a movie about a person whose features grow at different rates would be far more interesting to watch than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: A tale of man with a very odd (curious, if you will) affliction that poses virtually n0 conflict throughout his entire life. What? You want conflict? What kind of heartless bastard are you? He ages frikin' backwards, man - have some compassion! God!

Pining for the fjords

2009-04-01T13:38:00.006-04:00

Voted "Cutest Couple"??

No - I'm not dead. Just busy. But, rest assured, if I were dead, I would be haunting, and I would be haunting you. And since you're dying to know (pun worthy of capital punishment), here is what I'd do to haunt you:

- Hide your keys, specifically right when you're about to leave the house to work or other such important pre-engagement;

- Flush the toilet whenever you hop in the shower;

- Undo your shoelaces entirely at random intervals. Should you switch to velcro straps, I'll dip 'em in sand, because there's nothing more annoying than that;

- Make sure there is an odd number of pieces of bread in the bread bag;

- Make the toilet paper float just slightly out of reach when you need it the most;

- Fill your house with the catchy tunes of the Spin Doctors;

- Flick your ear periodically;

- Hit the "next chapter" button on the DVD remote right before every important part of every film should you bring home a DVD not from your DVD collection, which I have replaced entirely with episodes of Peewee's Playhouse;

- Add soy sauce to whatever you're cooking;

- Lock the bathrooms from the inside;

- Hog the covers in your sleep;

- Undo all the socks in your sock drawer and just mix 'em up, or, on exceptionally cruel days, steal one sock from each pair;

- Drink from the same cup you are;

- Have your clothing float around and do spooky reenactments of Archie and Edith Bunker... when you're trying to get to sleep, of course;

- If you ever do get to sleep, I'll rearrange all your furniture to surround your bed;

- And I will also use a sharpie marker on your face;

- Litter the floors with banana peels in unexpected places;

- Litter the halls with trip wire in unexpected places (ie. at eye level);

- Rehinge doors in unexpected places (ie. in front of another door opening towards the new door, the ceiling, and windows);

- Replace your mints and aspirin with moth balls;

- Fill your shoes with honey;

- Unscrew light bulbs just a little so they don't connect;

- Invite other ghosts over for recorder orchestra rehearsals. We do mostly Super Tramp covers.

This is another list that can go on forever, which is good 'cause I'll probably be stuck roaming this earth for that long. Essentially, it's a list of things as a mere mortal I can't quite do that I would like to. None of this "friendly ghost" crap - I am Neil: that sonuvabitch ghost. And this is a more immediate-notice list of things. Not included are things like plucking the straws from your toothbrush few by few, or stealing a piece of your underwear one-by-one, or adding a sliver of rubber to the soles of your shoes day by day until they're massive platform shoes. These are acts of jackassery requiring so much time, discipline, and sheer dedication it's something you gotta respect.

Man, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to die!

The Reckoning

2009-02-22T23:10:00.010-05:00

Tarantula Jacket! Parte duex!

More still coming!!

I pity the fu

2009-02-10T20:15:00.002-05:00

Do you understand now just how bored I'm getting?

"foux de fish fish" or "one fish, two fish, dead fish, blue fish"

2009-02-01T17:52:00.014-05:00

So, I know I've been pursuing this whole animation thing for a while now, and it seems like that's officially my "thing". Well, not anymore. I'm sick of it. I've got a new dream, and it goes like this:

STEP 1:

Don scuba gear, enter the ocean.

STEP 2:

Bow and arrow a fish that looks at me the wrong way.

STEP 3:

Collect hella cash from someone in a top hat and monocle, though those accessories can be skipped in a pinch.

I don't know why someone would pay me for fish homicide, but I can't be bothered with that. I have a dream of sticking arrows through fish, and I intend on pursuing it.

Though bow and arrowing fish would be profession, I wouldn't just limit myself to that. I'm also skilled in several different fish killing methods.

The End.

Creepy crawlers!

2009-01-25T19:43:00.021-05:00

Parte 1

Part 2 coming soon enough!

Yesssss!

2009-01-11T15:53:00.034-05:00

Some people find it odd that I often watch kid movies,.. until I call it "research". Immediately they think I'm writing a screenplay, not finding ways to get children to reach into my pocket for candy. Haha - how naive!

Seriously, though, I watched a lot of kids movies, and here I present to you my findings in form of lessons learned and initial reactions.

The Page Master

Better known as the "Lame Master". Macully finally demonstrates the curse of being forever young.

What I learned: Nerdy, annoying shut-ins everywhere - if you immerse yourself in nothing but books and read read read, you will... no longer be a nerdy shut-in? I guess budget cuts forced producers to cut that one scene... you know, the one where our hero actually makes friends.

Also: Always, always trust creepy dudes with fascination with little kids.

Also: Romance, Adventure, and Horror have places in this world, but why not Comedy or Eroticism? No wonder this movie sucked.

Hook

Once upon a time Robin Williams starred in everything. And it was horrible. No amount of flubber could distance you from his chest hair farm. Bad form!

What I learned: I'm siding with Captain Hook on this one: my dad sucks. I'll play pistol baseball for the rest of my life.

Also: Over-actors are clearly evil, but we knew that one already. No one suspected Steven Spielberg yet, though.

3 Ninjas

The twist: there are several ninjas in this film, not just three... plus three bumbling, surfer thugs. What a treat! (No, seriously, they're the best thing about this film, dude.)

Initial reaction: I swear to God, if I heard just ONE MORE little kid say "ay-ya!"...

Also: Start bringing guns to fights. The bad guys only figure this out at the very end of the film, and, sadly, this lesson does not carry over to the next 3 Ninja film or any children's film for that matter.

Also: being a grown up pretty much guarantees you'll be nailed in the nads at some point.

3 Ninjas 3? 4? HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN

Those caps are definitely necessary.

Initial reaction: Hulk Hogan is a washed up actor? ...no! NO HE'S NOT! Not my Hulk!

Lessons learned: Ninja children never grow old, and in some cases get younger.

Also: This time the bad guys did brings guns to fights very early on! But they have yet to learn not to be utterly incompetent. Sigh.

Angels in the Outfield

The movie pitch: "It's like Fear and Loathing Las Vegas meets The Omen crossed with Poltergeist, except instead of a demon child, you have a kid who hallucinates angels, and instead of a house we'll have a baseball team. ...Whaddya mean? Of course it'll sell!"

What I learned: if my opponents are a bunch of no-talents who can only win through divine intervention, maybe it's a good time for me to be making bargains with Satan.

Also: Baseball is the angel's sport of choice. No wonder Satan wins so easily. He probably plays rugby or South American soccer.

Also: Tony Danza is going to die soon? It's a miracle!

Also: Christopher Lloyd, even in death is creepy, practicing voyeurism on a cosmic level.

Home Alone

What I learned: Losing a family may be the best thing to happen to any spunky child. Hey... I was spunky once, too.

Also: The Laws of Comedy prohibit any child to commit accidental manslaughter. Wrongdoers should have no fear of death, but damn! you're going to wish for it.

Also: let's hear it for creepy, old dudes!

Home Alone 2

What I learned: same thing as the first film - I don't need my family. But losing them on purpose might be a little more difficult with ramped airport security.

Also: Rob Schneider has what's coming to him.

Also: always trust creepy, old ladies? Sure, man, it's the 90s - times are changing!

Also: I must steal parents' credit card....

Also: Yeah, I know that recording device isn't that useful, but I still waaaaant onnnnnee!! Nowwwwww!

The Sandlot

You know, I actually still like this one. Step off, man.

Blank Check

Initial reaction: Theft is soooo awesome.

What I learned: talking computers are hours of fun... no, really - they are. Just run some Eminem lyrics through it.

The Mighty Ducks

Kids + hockey + a whole lotta drama + flashbacks. Game on.

What I learned: Emilio Estevez is NOT Michael J. Fox. I couldn't make that distinction as a child. Still, I might have had a point - we need more MJF movies.

Also: Peewee hockey is relevant!

Also: Hockey is relevant, too..? Now that can't be right...

Sidekicks

Otherwise known as "Partenaires de Combat" which must translate to "Chuck Norris is the Savior" in some divine tongue.

What I learned: Movies ahead of their time will go unappreciated when initially released.

Also: Chuck Norris did, in fact, exist before Chuck Norris jokes. Man, film with Chuck Norris on it projects itself that's how badass it is.

Also: Chuck Norris will magically show up and help me if I sign up for a martial arts tournament unprepared. I wonder if that'll work for the upcoming prom dance approaching in a few weeks.

The Wizard

Initial reaction: Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo Christian Slater? Nintendo Nintendo Nintendo. Must... subscribe to... Nintendo Power!!

What I learned: Who knew I could make a career out of playing video games? Hell, even a retard can do it! Screw college.

Also: go befriend a large, black truck driver named "Spanky". No, really, do it.

"So.. Spanky - why'd they call you Spanky, eh?" The answer will probably have the phrase "prison time" in there some place.

Also: The Power Glove.... it's so bad.

Let's wrap. What did we all learn? That's right, all our childhoods sucked... Sucked! I hate my life! I hate you! You don't understand me! I'm going to my room, but not before storming up the stairs!

-Heir to the Throne

Year of the chimp!

2009-01-02T18:28:00.018-05:00

A bit late, but here it is anyway...

THE [OFFICIAL] LIST OF PEOPLE NEIL WILL MOST LIKELY WAKE UP NEXT TO ON JAN 1ST!

Listed from best case scenario to worst.

1. Johnny Greenwood

Obviously, being a Radiohead junkie Johnny is a shoo-in to the sack. His guitaring is enough to work up a hypnotic trance, and he probably has a pocket Thom Yorke to lullaby me to rest. Combine that with the rock/groupie cred to be gained, this wouldn't be too bad,.. besides waking up with the inexplicable desire to grow my hair out and mope around the house.

2. The Burger King King

Downright creepy. I imagine this guy works in some pretty sketchy ways like - I dunno - slipping me a roofie, then using a Whopper to muffle my screaming. There is absolutely no sympathy or humanity in those eyes, and that smile reeks of unrelenting sadomasochism. Plus side: waking up with extra cash in my pocket, just like the commercials.

3. Mickey Rourke

Yeah, not much good going on here. The man is what a dead cigar would look like if it was reincarnated as a human. I take consolation in the fact that eons ago he looked pretty good, and that at least his career in on the upswing. With enough alcohol in me, that's probably what I'd be focused on.

4. Ursula

Power always wins. Drunk or not, a 300 pound woman with tentacles will have no trouble taking advantage of me. In addition, assuming I was in her company, we'd probably have to be underwater. Something about me not being able to breathe probably works to her advantage. On the upside, at least something can be said about bedding with someone with that high stature.

"All-powerful evil cartoon sea witch? Yeah, I hit that."

5. Any combination of these fatties

Presented in Wide Screen. At least it's cinematic, dammit.

6. Encino Man

What's worse than waking up from a frozen coma that's lasted thousands of years? Maybe waking up next to Brendan Frasier dressed louder than his acting. He probably stinks like Paulie Shore.

7. Any diabolical form Christopher Lloyd can conjure

Okay... maybe - maybe - if this were the early 1990's this would be a crazy set up for one of his many movies. Zany antics to follow, with a highly improbable but convenient ending. But no. It's not the 1990's. Waking up next to this guy means I've somehow volunteered my living residence to him after his Californian home burned down. No antics here, just a lot of creep.

8. Pancho Villa

Resides in a bottle of tequila. Once I drink him out of his home, he invades mine. I wake up with a nasty hangover, traded on the sex slave market, and with 50% less organs. I hope he at least leaves that wacky hat.

9. Of course...

'nuff said.

Happy 2009!

Discount Slashes! Priced Percents!

2008-12-26T16:33:00.018-05:00

The Languish Dynasty Christmas catalog is running late! I ran about the house looking for items to repackage and resell but found absolutely bubkiss! So I had to get a bit creative this go-round. The list may be short, but our prices will guarantee you can't afford all of it.

The woods make an awesome resource. For instance, this piece of rotting wood makes an awesome sushi platter!

Wow - I know! Who thought combining Japanese and Hillbilly cultures was possible?

Now, originally we were considering the caption "Photoshopped sushi not included"... what were we thinking? For just an extra bit of cash we WILL include the photoshopped sushi so you may spruce up any photo you want Japanese cuisine style.

And yet all we could think of was dead squirrels.

And if you're STILL not satisfied, I will personally dig up a stiff from the graveyard for you to use as a human sushi platter. Just think of it as a human sushi platter with greater guarantee of immobility and with more atmosphere.

What else? Oh yes!

Just an empty bread bag? Ha ha - no! Add a little natural resources (ie. "leaves") and this becomes the first GREEN throw pillow!

Or, well, a brownish red throw pillow. Sort of "rot flavored".

Okay, no one is ever really going to be satisfied following xmas. This is why this is sure-fire fliptastic.

The Santa Voodoo Torture Set!

Put a little fear in the cigarette-blackened heart of that creepy, swifty mystic elf, who will gladly practice breaking and entering on your house and still neglect to read your xmas list. What's this? Socks, again?! Arrange it so Santa'll never be able to wear socks again, much less walk. That'll teach him.

While we're on the subject, children with great imaginations are very easy to shop for. That's why I give you:

Bend 'em, Twist 'em, Twirl 'em!! See what creative designs YOU can come up with!

Gahd dammit... what pieces of crap.

City dwellers and suburbaners alike will take joy in the urban flavorings of...

Yeah, it's been a while since I made a joke like that.

Order while supplies last!

this number goes out to all the hot Australian babes

2008-12-07T02:50:00.005-05:00

It's that time again!

Pick a song (A-C, x to stop to play your own music)
then attract a mate with your dance moves (#1-8)

I don't know, what do YOU do a Saturday night?

while other things brew

2008-11-17T16:57:00.003-05:00

"I swear to God, if any you slobbering brats or your dumb-ass, inbred parents feed anything to these fish, I will personally cut their slippery little heads off! That's right, freaks - I am going to decapitate Nemo, deep fry him, and force him down your throats if you even think about feeding them."

-Management

And though I counted but one overweight, overall-wearing, rat-tailing hillbilly at the Chinese Buffet, his presence commanded such respect to allow him to cut anywhere in the buffet line and take as much as he pleased, with seconds and thirds if he pleased. And though he could do so anyway, we all thought it best to let him feel like he was getting his way.

You think bringing in $115.50 worth of rolled change into a bank would be conversation worthy for a bank teller. For them it should be like the customer returning a happy meal to a McDonalds employee due to the discovery of a deep-fried chicken head amongst the fries: conversation gold. No such luck, in my case. But, then again, if those bank tellers could make conversation, they wouldn't be bank tellers.

Production delays, production delays! Things are in the works, you just have to wait.

the call is coming from... me!

2008-10-31T21:10:00.013-04:00

Alright, so you and your gang of teenage super sleuths are planning to enter the spooky woods and maybe film a wonderful film-student documentary. You could follow the traditional formula ala Blair Witch Project, and make a deal of money... but die in the process. Here's a brief list of items to bring to better insure your survival and general well being.

A Thesaurus

I'll be the first to admit that there's always space for "dammit"s, "f***"s, and "sh**"s (let's keep this PG, people) in an angry bout of words, but at some point it does get old. During a tense objurgation, I'll get a craving for a good "curses!" or "bullocks!" or "confound you, you rapscallious rouge and this treacherous thicket!" Keep things fresh and fun. I think you'd want your last words to be composed of something more than one syllable words.

An axe and/or matches

Here's an obvious one. I can guarantee you you won't be tormented by any haunted woods when it's a pile of ashes.

An ant farm

If all goes as planned, you're going to suddenly lose all sense of external locus of control, probably around the time you realize you have no control over your tent-mate's gaseous nature. Or if you are that tent-mate, probably around the time you start hearing those weird rock noises in the distance. Keep an ant farm along, so when you feel like you're powerless to your unseen torturers you'll have something of your own to screw with. Yeah, you shake that cage up good and I'm pretty sure you won't feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain anymore.

Stilts

Seriously. Hear me out.

Never once in my life have I ever seen a man on stilts and wished him death. Inversely, I have seen teenagers or college aged students and have wished them death. In the presence of a stilted man, I have dropped banana peels all over the place, yes. Indeed, I have also lit the stilt ends on fire, and released hungry fire ants to journey their way up. But death? No, never. I think when wearing stilts you're more likely to be a victim to a mischievous prankster, and only your pride and a sore bum may be on the line.

Better company

Cast photo of The Blair Witch Project. (From left to right) A douchebag, a douchebag, a douchebag.

This is also an obvious one. I think most teens in horror flicks are killed off because they're generally unlikable. What we have then is not a bunch psychopathic killers, but some concerned citizens who are as annoyed as I am, and have decided to do something about it. In that regard, they have my greatest respect. Therefore, if you plan on getting lost in the woods, do it with cool people. That alone will turn your expedition from a horror, slasher flick to a zany teen comedy, ripe with college antics!

Personally, my first choice of companions would be Jerry Seinfeld. No one quite sounds more amusing the more frantic they get like Jerry Seinfeld. And in getting lost, I'm going to want someone particularly observational.

"So what's the deal with getting lost in the woods? Frankly, I don't think the trees know where the hell they are, either!"

My second companion: someone black, or other such minority, as long as it's a male and overwhelmingly stereotypical. With the standard film death rate, this will ensure I'll at least survive until Act 3.

An iPod... with Wang Chung on loop

C'mon, simple laws of cinema here people. There is no way anyone is going to be murdered while that song is playing. I promise you no skulls will be busted... only grooves.

Now everybody Wang Chung tonight.

And they're off!

2008-10-13T01:05:00.011-04:00

Well, you now know who I'm not voting for.

the walls have ears

2008-09-20T15:52:00.006-04:00

Another idea gone bust:

The 2009 Dictator Swimsuit Calendar

Upholding your walls with unyielding oppression....

and style!

Now why exactly this didn't fly, I don't know...

[Unadultered:

Jaws VI: Party Beach House

2008-09-11T02:00:00.006-04:00

Hey everybody, look! It's Russ the bastard killer whale!

Dammit, Russ!

oh, it on!

2008-08-31T18:45:00.016-04:00

Things are getting obscenely political around these times. At the sight of this year's candidates, I've opted not to run this time around for fear of utter defeat or, more likely, limb loss. Still, here's a general wrap up of some of the views of current candidates.

IMMIGRATION
Dr. Spiderface: We must protect our borders!.. we'll weave a large web between us and the Mecks'e Kahns. Cocoon trapped bodies. Sell as cheap food overseas. Keep as afternoon snack.	Heir to the Throne: Keeping Mexicans out is like keeping male mice from the female cage. I say let 'em in... we'll bag 'em and sell overseas as cheap slave labor. Keep a few for myself, of course. And we'll avoid product competition with other countries by selling them without warranty.
GAY MARRIAGE
No marriage. Just procreate.... MUST PROCREATE preferably under the flesh of a larger species.	Mostly a problem in terminology, and we must be more specific. So here are the new marriages: regular marriage gay marriage flamingly gay marriage annoyingly gay marriage just-for-kicks gay marriage
IRAQ WAR
Those caves are ideal for mass breeding grounds. When the time is right, the eggs will hatch. There will be plenty of food for our young.	First change of policy: change name of Iraq to "Pancake Land". This will revive interest in citizens thinking it's an entire new war. Plus, more people'd be more interested in defending Pancake Land than Iraq, for certain. And it wouldn't hurt if the citizens of Pancake Land took up synchronized dancing and song. Gahd, people!
SOCIAL SECURITY
The elderly shall be used for their wisdom until comes their time to take their private journey into the Plains of Grenthor, where they shall be ultimately rejoined with the great arachnid spirit, FLUGH'ORE, in his web of eternity. Those too cowardly to take the journey shall be sacrificed to the larvae pit in hopes it will redeem their family name.	Said it before, I'll say it again: old people shall be used as fossil fuels.
THE ENERGY CRISIS
Vanquish the ones you call "Kandadee'ens". Use their fallen bodies to float over the mightiest river.	See above.
THE HOMELESS
Uneaten flesh shall be attended to.	I'll have 'em fight for my amusement.

This has been Neil reporting. Keep it here, 'cause I keep it real.

Mount Welles, Orson

2008-08-10T01:33:00.004-04:00

So you've been stumbling around Walmart at 3:39 AM drunk and/or high out of your mind. You bump into a bin of movies that cost - can it be true? - next to nothing! You feel like the luckiest chimp in the oak tree, as you stock up on racially insensitive, copyright-expired cartoons. And, gosh, you are pretty lucky. The tragedy is that meanwhile there is a sad soul who is going to be quite unlucky as he or she stumbles drunk and/or high into the dollar tree and knocks over a rack of DVDs that cost - do my eyes deceive? - only a dollar each!

I tell you now, those movies are a dollar not because they are overstocked, not because they have misprinted labels, and not because their copyrights have passed on. They are a dollar because they really do suck cheese balls. Even being drunk and/or high will not prevent the inevitable pain you are about to endure if you follow through in watching these films.

Yes, they look snazzy, have wicked cool titles (or downright confusing titles), and full of mindless plot twists due to crazy cover art, but those covers are utter lies. Utter, utter lies. Here is a brief guide of my recent discoveries.

ANCIENT WARRIORS

Okay, the room was spinning and all you saw was "Baldwin" and a skull. What you didn't realize, though, is that we're speaking of Daniel Baldwin. That should be your first cue to burn this DVD. Or maybe you knew it was D. Baldwin and thought the skull would predict his death in the film. You were wrong on this account, tragically.

I can't exactly remember what the movie was about, to be honest. Reading the back cover, however, I discover I'm not entirely in the wrong. "Special Forces Captain Aldo Paccione must" bla bla bla "Delta Force". ... "mine of Sardinia" ... "vengeful band of mercenaries". Unless that Delta Force comes with a side of Chuck Norris, it can't be worth it. This plot is vague enough to be forgotten. The second paragraph says something about a million years of angry souls and whatnot.

Really, the "Ancient Warriors" don't show up until the very, very end of the film, much like the monsters of Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies or The Brain that Wouldn't Die. When you need to wrap up your film in 5 minutes, it's often handy to have supernatural deus ex machina forces on call. Sadly, nothing in life this is this convenient. If so, there'd be misguided tanks rolling through the walls to end your weekly Monday meeting at the office before it went on for too long.

THE GUY WITH SECRET KUNG FU

Sounds like the classic tale of the underdog warrior waiting for his inner awesome to awake and save the day. Sounds wicked cool, I know. Guess again.

First fallacy: there is not just "the guy", this 1970's kung-fu sound-fx packed flying of fists and long wooden poles film. There are actually two guys - brothers, in fact. Or identical twins.. I don't know, they all look the same to me.

Second fallacy: there is absolutely no "secret" kung fu. Maybe "blatant uses of" or "extremely obvious" or simply "overt". There is not a single soul in this karate mess makes any attempt to hide their kung fu. There are twin brothers who use kung fu as often as their lungs (a lot), some tough lady with kung fu, a Tor Johnson zombie of sorts who may or may not actually use kung fu but is nonetheless heavily involved in quickly choreographed kung fu fights, and some boss dude who kung fus frog-style (the symbolic cuts to croaking frogs tipped me off big time).

What I suddenly came to realize as "The End" flashed across the screen midway through the final fight, is that all along it was I who was the guy with secret kung fu. It came to me as such a surprise, but that's why it was my secret kung fu and not my "readily available kung fu".

SOMEONE IS WATCHING

This cover and title is almost close to the film actually, and yet it's still pretty lame. First, the house is not nearly that big or fancy. I like big houses - plenty of places to hide bodies. The house in the film is actually quite humble, located in a humble neighborhood, not the Florida everglades which - don't ask me why - was where I assumed this nice mansion to be.

Also, no lightning ever occurs in this movie. I had high hopes the horrible voyeur the title implies would be Zeus back on earth looking to house invade after Hera kicked him outta Mnt. Olympus. Or maybe it was Dumbledore's creepy back story of his younger, voyeuristic life making spy videos for dollar porn dvds that he used to sell in the shadier alleys of Hogwarts. What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

What I suddenly come to realize is that like The Guy With Secret Kung Fu that that "someone" is actually me, and that I am watching a lousy movie when there are hundreds of houses out there I could be voyeuring myself and having a better time doing it than watching this movie.

POCKET NINJAS

The 1990s were a great time for the ninja in cinema, though none have come as close to insulting God and all his creations as this movie. I'll be the first to say that this movie might alone be why the jihadists have been so harsh on us. This movie cover looks like to be whimsical and fun-filled beyond our zaniest imaginations. For god's sake, it even has slanted writing! But no! Not even close.

If you answer "true" to any of the following statements, you will be thoroughly heart-broken:
- You think this film is about ninjas who fit in pockets.
- You think this film is about midget ninjas.
- You think the ninjas will fight with common household cleaning supplies.
- You think this film stars one of Scorpion's offspring.
- You think that this film will have ninjas with pockets, maybe large in size or inexplicably magical.

I can only surmise the people in charge of the cover art accidentally applied the wrong cover. Theoretically there's a fun filled film out there about ninjas who fit in pockets and can clean houses like nobody's business (even those hard to reach spots under the fridge!) named "So What the Hell is this About Again?".

"The fiercest fighting force under four feet"? God, I wish. They'd be easier to hang if that were the case.

welcome to the rock...

2008-07-08T22:46:00.007-04:00

Once again I find myself bridging the gaps of polar opposite cultures. I present to you - for your guilty reading pleasures (wink, wink) - the first line of WWF-themed romance novels:

Romance in the Ring

After years of international travel and wrestling, Dimitri "Jockstrap" Vladimir has finally found a lifelong wrestling partner with Dwayne "the Grand Wizard" Luger. Just when he thought his days of party-hearty, guiltless wrestling days were behind him, HE had to show up. When the Glamour Boy, an old acquaintance from Jockstrap's past, unexpectedly challenges Jockstrap, Jockstrap strains to not return to his old ways. How long can he keep his secret past from Dwayne? And how long before his wild past takes him over?

Headlock of Love

Everette Skullsuck Johnson's unquenchable passion for headlocks has brought him to the ring, where night after night he fulfills his desires on weakling Jimmy Fallon look-a-likes. But when will he ever fully be satisfied? Skullsuck Johnson's thirst is seemingly bottomless, and begins to threaten his wrestling career. This is the true, heart-warming story of Everette Skullsuck Johnson's road to recovery, in which he learns to balance his lusty desires with help from his close mentor Silly Knickers Smith. A truly inspiring story for the world.. wrestling federation.

Tag Team of the Heart

It's been almost 7 years since Edwin Baco-bits' death, and, once-students of the deceased, Grease Rattail Lumbago and Crackstain Stoppard have both grown to be burgeoning wrestling superstars. Though they were once bitter rivals, Grease and Crackstain find themselves mysteriously drawn to each other during their bid for heavyweight champion of the world. Their past ties become too strong, and they slowly begin to understand Baco-bits' teachings of brotherly love.

Be sure to supplex your lover every time she goes away.

I like pudding

2008-06-28T22:28:00.002-04:00

Keep your coke bottles on for this one...

Containing such hits as:

- Mumbling of Discontent
- "Who Touched the Thermostat?!"
- "Why, In My Day..."
- Various Levels of Wheezing
- Nasty Coughing
- Medication Bottle Rattling
- Squeaky Wheelchair
- "Damn Kids Nowadays"
- Mouth-Open Chewing
- "N'ehhhhhhh"

Music performed by the Groaning Choir of Mr. Gittley's Cozy Living Retirement Home.

+1 year

2008-06-07T22:21:00.006-04:00

Ye olde thesis:

Commence life.

the second coming

2008-05-31T22:49:00.004-04:00

Have you found Jesus yet?

Well, have you?

No? Well, then --

what are you waiting for?!

Yeah, okay, whatever. Give me some time to get back into the swing of things.

three-way

2008-04-01T19:56:00.002-04:00

What sort of class would have me do this?

A frikin' cool one.

tribute to Sting

2008-03-20T11:44:00.001-04:00

So I was brushing my teeth, and was thinking about some easy ways to increase my street cred. I came up with some easy solutions that I feel are worth sharing. So, easy steps to getting more cred:

1. Stab a nigga

Now I'm not actually proposing you go out and ram a butter knife through the reverend Jesse Jackson's head (unless it comes to that). Instead, always have this phrase playing in your head. Subconsciously, it will affect the rest of your behavior so that on the outside it will appear as though you do have the capability to shake up harlem with a pocket knife.

2. Tats

The more tattoos, the better. Get 'em all over. And try to avoid getting anything particularly meaningful. The most popular stuff you'll find are tattoos of cartoons characters doing lewd things. This implies you must have been in prison at some point, because there is little much else in there to do but make lewd drawings. So think Elmer Fudd doing Minnie Mouse, or Goofy shotgunning the Trix rabbit in the face. That right there is total street.

3. Bad nickname

This is the obvious one, of course. Make sure you come up with a rapper name that's incredibly bad and spelt wrong. People will initially criticize you, but the longer you stick with it, the more it becomes like a jingle and soon they come to accept it. In other words: jingles are the way to go. And what is better known than the "Pop, pop, fizz, fizz" jingle? So here are some drug-inspired rapper names not used: Alka Celzer, IBU-profen, Asspiring, Vy Co Din, Peptoe and Bizmoe.
And should you go with Alka Celzer, you'd already have your first song to remix and remake.

4. Talk the talk

There are certain business terms you should be familiar with when entering this line of work. "Women" are referred to as "bitches" or "hoes". "Men" are referred to as "bros" or "niggas". Everything else you wish to describe you call "shit".

5. Gold is ghetto

Repeat after me: gold is ghetto. Ghetto is street cred. Street cred gets you booty platter.
If you have no bling, get some! If your teeth are white, gold cap 'em! But now, let's go further. Here are some things that have yet to be Midas-ed that will definitely boost your cred to Ludacris extents: hair gel, eye brows, contact lenses, belly-button lint, nipples, finger nails, hip replacements, pubic hairs. Yes, it's nasty, but it's gold, man. And gold is ghetto.

6. Your first album

Find a song you and everyone else likes, misinterpret it, up the bass, then rap over it. Back up singers are a must, and they must be all indistinguishable. You can find a lot of them easy auditioning for high school choir. Even if you're not too clear on what to rap about, don't fret - just talk about this street cred list. Don't be shy about talking about yourself (by which I mean reminding audiences what your name is).
So, your lyrics might come out something like this:

"Yo, I'm Alka-Celzer
Got that, bitch - I'm Alka
and them cops be after me
'cause I just stabbed a nigga.
I got Goofy on my chest
poppin' a cap in the ass of the Trix rabbit
and my pubes are gold
yeah, my pubes are gold
and this is my first album
my name is Alka-Celzer"

That's just a rough example.

Of course, that's just one song on your album, which will be the hit. The rest of the songs your handy choir will take care of. You're simply required to go "yeh, yeh, yeh" over select parts.

Now what are you waiting for? Go out into the streets now and stab a nigga!

Ohhhhh Snap!!

2008-02-29T14:13:00.002-05:00

Oh no he din't!

Site on hold until I regather my will to live. Cheers.

brought to you by the letter $

2008-02-05T23:17:00.000-05:00

:D

2008-01-25T00:55:00.000-05:00

'cause we're all just so happy to be alive!

fodder

2008-01-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

Time to share with you guys some of my rich family history. Take a look at the ol' family tree...

Oh, wait... I meant the other family tree.

What thrilling history! going back to that fateful day when Bruce Willis met Chief 50% Off. I'm a bit ashamed of my mother's side, though. What Grandpa West saw in Supertramp I'll never know, but ultimately I suppose I should be grateful.

Let this be a warning to any hostess who thinks it's safe to give me the kids coloring book.

don't tread on me

2008-01-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

Thesising [STOP] and not sleeping [STOP] Things in the works [STOP] By the way [COMMA] Ana-Brianne Elizabeth is sick [STOP] Bring medicine [STOP]

This will all make sense soon [HOPEFULLY]

Konami Code

2007-12-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

Since t'is the season to share, here's this year's round of [hastily] homemade xmas cards:

Round 2, taxed for ideas:

In a similar vein, here's a gem from last year:

Later that evening...

Something else from last year:

This year's curveball:

... which I might do for ALL my gifts next year.

And here's a really old one I discovered the other day, before I drew so much:

Part of this balanced breakfast.

Happy 2008!

A winner is us... every one of us

2007-12-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

Happy holidays from the Heir to the Throne of the Languish Dynasty.

The Holiday Special

2007-12-18T23:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't it about time I cashed in on the holiday spirit? I think so. Because I haven't had much time to devise any new toys of my own, I went about my workplace to find things that might be remotely marketable. Hold onto your wallets, folks, 'cause it's gonna be a wild xmas!

My Very First Push Kart
Any child is guaranteed to have hours of fun pushing their very own push kart around! There is no limit outside of imagination to what kids can transport from location to location! Each kart comes with unique dents and scrapes, as well as no less than three screws missing and one bum wheel! (Mighty, Mighty Bus Pans (TM) and Transparent Tray Top not included.)

Match Those Tops
Once again those gremlins in the dishroom have made a mess of the coffee jug tops. Set the timer going, and see how many tops you can match up before it runs out!

Punch Out!
Oh, no! It's almost lunch - did you remember to punch out?

Now kids can enjoy the thrills and chills of the modern workday, too! Learn the skill of being punctual, and the art of punching out just minutes past the end of your work day. Those minutes'll add up, for sure! Hourly wage never looked so promising!

Big Red
How can anyone resist the tantalizing red of the fire alarm? It'll be tough, but you must in order to win! If you give in to temptation, the skin on your arm might just be singed off by the alarm's protective force field!.. and you just might wake daddy!

Mr. Firehydrant
Nothing says "don't panic in case of a fire" like Mr. Firehydrant. He does more than extinguish flames, he extinguishes all distress, too! One might say he makes putting out oil fires fun! Haha, but don't get too carried away, kids - let the fires start on their own!

Oatmeal and Breakfast Potatoes
Because oatmeal and breakfast potatoes are chewed in the mouth, swallowed down the throat, but go straight to your heart.

CAUTION! The Game of Wet Floor Stains
You won't regret having dropped that Orangalicious Fruit Smoothie! And neither will you regret shaking your friend's Pepsi when he's not looking! The game of CAUTION! puts a smile to every liquid accident imaginable!

Blurry Bucket o' Bacon
No game here; just fun to say.

Wall o' Nametags
This role-playing game is an excellent way to cultivate your child's imagination! Tired of being Billy for today? Then try being Steve by putting on his nametag! In just seconds you can be a bigoted, drunken dishwasher, too! Why not try on Lucille's, the ex-inmate salad preparer, with a rotting body in her trunk. Or maybe Eduardo, the convicted pedophile with a knack for making tasty scones!

Hurry! Order while supplies last!

Hello - my name is God, and I approve this message.

2007-12-09T18:20:00.000-05:00

Little known fact!: over 90% of the polar bear footage from The Golden Compass was actually recycled from Coca Cola commercials! Because they were made for European TV, it all seems new to us American audiences.

And not even those lovable, huggable bears could salvage the piece of crap of a movie that was The Golden Compass, completely devoid of subtlety, charm (okay, there was occasional charm), coherency, direction, reason, or point. But, you know, maybe I'm being a bit judgmental. Maybe it just wasn't my type of movie. I guess if you got a thing for movies that absolutely butcher the books they're based on, spend every frame explaining stuff that can easily be conveyed without words (SHOW don't TELL) and then DON'T tell you what you need to know, run from location to location for the mere purpose of getting through the book, turn every fight scene that should have been mind-numbingly awesome into cliches, contains characters who act without any pinch of motivation, but speak with the sole motivation of conveying information to move the "story" along - let me catch a breath here - and I guess if you got a thing for movies that don't actually have a proper ending, then The Golden Compass will be right up your alley.

While most my friends who are bigger fans of the book than me were furiously punching at the theater projection, you could only hear me laughing at every moment of inconsistency, book-butchering, poor writing, and copping out. And then I laughed at how I spent $10 on the ticket.

Meanwhile, there's always that controversy about how anti-religious the books are. Well, not so much in the movie; there is no Church, just the Magistrate (who play such an insignificant role in the film). While the movie just does away with any form of nuance, and turns the Magistrate into a bunch of evil, white guys who like to wear all black, there really is no controversy.

So, I implore all religious leaders to not start any. It hurts my brain knowing that they haven't figured out that the more they chastise a film/book/whatever, the more publicity it's going to get, and, therefore, more sales. This is not a movie that needs any sales to begin with. Currently, the Catholic League is making a fuss - way to go guys. If they really wanted to prompt people to stay away from movies like The Golden Compass or The Da Vinci Code, just say it as it is:

Meanwhile, musing in another part of my brain:
anti-religion is all the craze! and it shows no signs of slowing! All the Church's protesting doesn't seem to be helping all that much, either, and their attempts to reach out to communities is kinda passe. So, I'm going to lend them a hand with a little proposition of my own. Here's how we garner more support - we fight fire with [really holy] fire:

"Tha's not the sting of a bullet yer feelin'... tha's the cleansin' power of Jesus Christ, pardner."

Pope Pain III is actually Jesse James reincarnated, sent back to Earth to lead the Catholic Church by day,.. but by night he wields his Holy revolver to battle devils and werewolves scattered across rural Europe. This time around, however, his enemy lies deep within the state of California, in the dreaded demon stronghold, Hollywood. After his people are attacked with propagandist films, Pope Pain III must gather up his 300-count army of Bishops to face the devious forces of atheist Hollywood, who wield the satanic (and overly-used) powers of CGI.

Okay, so it's still an idea in progress, but with God on my side, I think we can make it work.

I'm with the band

2007-12-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

Not to be upstaged by Radiohead's upcoming release of their new album.

Hitting shelves when you least expect it!

This is my house, I have to defend it.

2007-12-02T21:10:00.001-05:00

This is how I spent my two weeks of Thanksgiving break (the first of which I spent in total isolation) - the "Things You Do When Really Bored When Home Alone" list. Otherwise known as "The List of Ultimate Boredom".

Translation:
"Exercise (yawn) 4 checks
play guitar + sing really loudly [obnoxiously] 4 checks
nap? 4 checks
Dance around -> includes air guitaring 1 check
- in boxers only 1 check
photographing 1 check
comicing 4 checks
emailing 4 checks
calling 6 checks
thesis work (booo!) 4 checks
thinking of ways to sabotage friends and well wishers 2 checks
read 10 checks
watch movie 6 checks
-TV 8 checks
write 4 checks
drive somewhere 6 checks
talk to my sock puppet monkey [heir to the throne] 2 checks
Buy stuff I don't need 4 checks
work 7 checks
Go insane/scream a lot 2 checks
Drink 5 checks
Break stuff (includes living things) 3 checks
NFL Blitz 2000 3 checks"

Sadly, I neglected to include chasing squirrels on the list. Of course, this is tentative - I've still 2 and a half hours left.

"scalpel" ("scalpel")

2007-12-02T10:25:00.000-05:00

There's been some questioning on my recent surgery to have some obstructions removed from my body, specifically my chest. Here's how it all went down:

For real.

best case scenario, of course

2007-11-23T15:35:00.000-05:00

That's as far as I got when I got tired of drawing.

back in the day

2007-11-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Just in case you guys forgot what I used to do with cameras:

The Pimp Kit

coming at you... in 3D!

2007-11-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got some people telling me my blog isn't personal enough... you know, like blogs are supposed to be. So, here ya go, kids!

This is my boxer drawer. Of course, these are my second rung boxers, having already worn my top rungers (that includes my Hawaiian print). I don't know how more personal I can get than this.

Oh wait, yes I do...

That's my left nipple, Gerard, stubbly from a recent shave due to surgery. (Surgery? Yes, I'll get to that some other time.)

Check it out, it's like the Triforce of studliness.

... or stubbliness. I dunno - make your own joke.

Now, ask yourself: "why - why?! - why am I still reading this blog?" I think your obsession is bit more disturbing than anything I can post here.

because everything is quiet afterwards

2007-11-07T01:36:00.000-05:00

Some more class notes...

Took me maybe half an hour to realize I just filled a page with retards...

for only $30,000 a year!

We accept you, one of us! Gobble, gobble!

2007-10-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

Once again, Marilyn Manson attempts to offend Christians, this time by appearing next to a mop.

I should totally be his producer.

i'm a desperate freak and freaking desperately

2007-10-13T15:03:00.001-04:00

Now why do I still feel so empty?

....

If you haven't listened to Radiohead's new album, do so.

the college solution

2007-10-02T18:22:00.000-04:00

"Listen - I don't care if you have fat, steamy, gay sex, just keep it on your side of the bed!"

We will be back with more Arguments I'm Glad I've Never Had right after these messages...

Every year brings a new group of freshman hopefuls to our brick-littered campus. Their enthusiasm is almost sickening, but I can take pleasure knowing that in just a few weeks, they'll be slumming just like the rest of us older folk. I get most my entertainment from the constant roommate clashes that are inevitable for the earlier weeks, and perhaps into the rest of the year. A constant problem is the visiting boy/girlfriend that makes things really awkward most of the time. Because I'm not an outright scuzzball, I will offer my assistance on this dilemma, for if it is not dealt with in a prompt and stern fashion, that b/g/f could be your third roommate!

PROBLEM: your roomie and the intruder spend all their time in your room, never leave, and make things really crowded. You no longer have your own private time!
SOLUTION: undress for success, I always say. Wear minimal clothing. Be foul - scratch, smoke, burp, trim random hair regions without cleaning up, don't shower, and fart like you're in a marathon (a term I would like to call "fartarchy"). Claim this is just how your culture is, and if he doesn't like it, he's an obvious bigot. If that doesn't get them out of the room, no worries! for your private time will be every time!
You can also bring over the sleaziest hooker on the market. Once she gets telling what she's done in her lifetime, the other two will probably clear out leaving you and the hooker. And hey! there's your Friday night right there!

PROBLEM: you think they're having sexy-time in his bed while you try to sleep. You don't want to know, but that heavy silence really makes every noise just too damn audible.
SOLUTION: make some popcorn, pull up a chair, invite some friends over, start placing bets. The only downfall to this if they think the idea is kinky. This would only promote bad behavior through the night and through the year.

PROBLEM: when you leave for a period of time, you suspect some really dirty things are happening on your property.
SOLUTION: set up cameras EVERYWHERE in your room, but reassure him: "I collect them. Don't worry, none of them work," and be sure to wink. This'll throw him for a loop, and make him a bit paranoid. Again, just hope they don't find it arousing.
A second solution would be to post a ton of painted portraits whose eyes could be that of someone spying. Think Scooby-Doo times 25.
But if you're SO concerned about them touching your stuff in dirty ways, tell him you have AIDS, then bleed over everything.

PROBLEM: Okay, they're not bumping uglies, but they're giggling a lot under covers.
SOLUTION: Feel free to do a little giggling yourself, but much louder, and much more creepy. If they move past giggling and you hear some slight snogging, do the very same but always one-up them. If they sound like they're pleasuring themselves a bit too much, again, just make more noise than them. If you can make them feel more awkward than you, you have succeeded!
I use a similar technique when trying to avoid urinal conversations. If it appears I'm having just too good of a time relieving myself, most other occupants of the restroom will leave me alone.

PROBLEM: Your roommate starts complaining to you that he and his partner need their own private time.
SOLUTION: blindfold yourself, and, no matter what, insist it's the same thing.

Essentially, in all you do, your main objective is to make sure you're not on the receiving end of a pellet gun loaded with awkward. Make your roommate more uncomfortable than you and you have the most satisfying victory of your life. And even when his partner isn't there, keep him on his toes. Place some cardboard boxes face down around the room, and occasionally hide under them and scuffle about... very slowly.
Fill the space with mannequins in casual or embarrassing poses.
Post your posters not just on his side of the room, but over all his possessions, too.
Go further by posting pictures of his girlfriend on your wall, and I mean a LOT of them!
Oh, hell, just go ahead and post pictures of scantly-clad Paulie Shore in erotic poses.
Rent out your roommate's space to a small family of Mexicans, and accuse him of being racist if he protests.
Combine your laundry with his.
Set up a telescope, and point it directly at his bed.
Wear his underwear when you run out.
Buy odd inanimate objects, move them about the room when he's not there, and swear they're moving on their own. (For the record, yes, I did actually do that.)
Wheel in an outhouse, and tell him you did it because you were homesick.
Tend a cage filled with various deadly arachnids, and when your roommate is around, say to yourself: "dammit! why does the lid keep falling off?"
Change accents every day. When you get that down, change personality types every day. Follow that up by changing between Ms. America contestants.
Urinate in soda bottles because you say you're too much of a germaphobe to use the bathrooms. Never throw ANY bottle out. Put some of the full bottles in the windowsill as lovely sun catchers. Take any extras you have lying around, and put them in the fridge along side your roommate's sodas. Regardless of whether he accidentally picks up the urine or actual soda, when he's in mid-sip shout out: "Dude! stop drinking my pee!" In fact, only say that when he drinks the soda. Any other time keep your lips sealed.

Oh, man! You know, the list is just endless! There is just no limit to what you can do to make your roommate's life miserable. However, as policy and karma dictate, your roommate must cast the first stone. THEN and only then do you retaliate. Otherwise, you're just a bad roommate.

From the archive

2007-09-29T21:52:00.001-04:00

While I work on bigger, better things, here's something I dug up from underneath a closet of skeletons:

The Heir hasn't actually returned yet, but we wait in anticipation...

Once you pop, you can't stop!

2007-09-26T20:21:00.000-04:00

The Heir will be back soon, and he's anxious to keep blogging, of course. At least we know where he disappeared to.

-Neil-

Now that's just offensive

2007-09-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

Animal Crossing: a fun-filled game for all the family, right? Maybe, but I think it's a little more perverse than you might think. Our experts dug deeper and came up with some pretty incriminating and down right despicable evidence!

Here we see a simple boarding of the train, yes? NO! Look closer!

That's right. There's still a slave trade going on in this cute, quaint world. Compartments are still as cramped as the olden days, and these guys don't even get a roof! Think again before playing another "kid friendly" Nintendo game.

With a whiskey sour down, I say good night and good luck.

somewhere, Woodman is crying

2007-09-15T22:19:00.000-04:00

Today I spent a bit of time power washing my windows and the surrounding walls, having far more fun than anyone should ever have with a power washer. All the scuzz, twigs, bugs, and dirt gatherings peeled away almost effortlessly. It was a triumphant moment, for once again Nature attempted and failed to invade, much less influence, my territory. How the mighty fall! Nature, the once mighty conqueror of all, has resorted to measly plans of dirtying up windowsills, cobwebbing attics, and blowing leaves into my foyer. As the once greatest force on the planet, one really has to wonder: where did Nature go wrong?

Some experts argue that because of its long stay in power, it has lost sight of its values and, perhaps, its youthful edge. Certainly, as a leader, it certainly has lost its credibility. Its many factions are simply failing to find common grounds to agree upon, constantly quarreling among one another. Even after so many years, there is still no resolve in sight for the red and black ant conflict, which, as documented in Sim Ant, has taken countless lives. Nature's largest forces, residing in the continent of Africa, are simply unmotivated, lacking proper morale, and, thus, spend most of the day lounging outside.

In attempt to prove its global significance, it has resorted to random acts of terrorism, often missing strategic targets by hundreds of miles. An earthquake out west, tornado in the midwest, and hurricanes off the east coast. There is a clear fault in Intelligence, whose department is rumored to be a disorganized mess, crawling with vines and dandelions. Further rumors discuss the possibility of recalling the ice age in a final attempt to be victorious, no matter the cost to its own.

It is my opinion that Nature is simply spread too thin to have any sort of significant global impact. There is no denying that Nature is simply everywhere. It lacks the necessary numbers to control what territory it has! A withdrawal and regrouping should seriously be considered before doing anything else.

However, I suspect it is just too stubborn and proud in its age to take such actions. Suits me - I will be at the front lines with my power washer ready to spray off any attempts to dirty my window. I'll have my bug spray at hand to ward off any stray reconnaissance spiders that wander into my room. And my chain saw will be fully charged in case any tree decides to lean too far over my driveway.

The sooner we suppress this silly revolution, the sooner I can get a concrete garden to replace that ugly mess of twigs and grass plaguing my backyard.

Another Friday

2007-09-14T21:59:00.001-04:00

I should draw more discretely if I want to avoid another critiquing of my doodles in class. On the plus side, my prof liked them.

Kickin' the mud off me boots

2007-09-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

People wonder what life is like as an art student. Let me share how my day went:

Now give me back my tuition money.

Conspiracy Theory

2007-08-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

Yet another wholesome Family Circus comic strip:

Now, exclusive to only this site, the panel they didn't want you to see!

Please, keep an eye out for drunken sock puppet monkeys terrorizing the roads. I will, too, as I trek back to Rochester in a few days. This means a possibility of less updates, we'll see. In the meantime, feel free to leave some comments, you slackers.

For Sparta!

the downward spiral begins...

2007-08-22T18:37:00.001-04:00

"I bring this meeting of the Big Chins to order!
Mr. Crum, what news have you on the front line?"

"Enemy forces have been weakening on the north border.
We'll capture the city within a week!"

"How about the Intelligence Commitee?"

"We've intercepted calls detailing the time and location of their counter-attack."

"Secretary of Treasury?"

"Chin hat sales and bake sales are through the roof!"

"Uh... yes - comment in the back?"

"Is this really an ethical war?! How is any of this justified?!"

I like big chins and I cannot lie
you otha' brothahs can't deny...

[fanfare]

2007-08-16T15:33:00.000-04:00

Rice Water.

The board meeting where it all went down:
"Gentlemen, we're on the verge of a breakthrough. Our scientists have managed to capture the pure flavor of water -"
"You mean nothing?"
"- yes, nothing, and combine it with the unadulterated essence of rice -"
"So... white and tasteless?"
"- yes, white and tasteless, to create a dessert like none other."
"So, let me get this straight - we've taken the two most flavorless things on this earth and combined them into a dessert that explodes with blandness?"
"Exactly."

Marketing failure, or pure genius? Discuss.

All is needed now are some catchy slogans. Let me share a few:
"Impossible to like!" ("Yeah? Well, we'll just see about that!")
"It will make you feel slightly more interesting!"
"White and chunky - it's like you in a can!"

And, yes, I've tried some. It was like my taste buds had taken a siesta. That seemed kinda natural, as this stuff did come from Mexico.

I spend way too much time on these things...

2007-08-10T17:37:00.001-04:00

Here's a blast from the past - Choose Your Own Adventure! So I've been working on this one for almost a decade now, and I think I've very nearly gotten to the end. Except right now I think I really need some help figuring out the best course of action.

Please click to enlarge!

PAGE 245
PAGE 2
PAGE 1,024

Okay, now, seriously guys - I need to get back to work...

Found some old photos

2007-07-31T18:18:00.000-04:00

On the last Friday of June Australia celebrates Red Nose Day.

How did you celebrate?

Bottoms up!!

Drinky...

It didn't take long to get to this stage.

Neil eventually helped me to my feet.

And I got back on track.

I tried to make it out to my car, but passed out on the lawn.

The ants were biting pretty bad, so I tried to get back inside. I didn't get too far.

So I decided to crash on the picnic table.

Much to Neil's disproval.

What a prude...

::Heir to the Throne::

You knew I had to write about it eventually...

2007-07-25T22:42:00.000-04:00

I must confess. There's a terrible weight on my conscience that I can't shake. I am overwhelmed by guilt for what I have just done.

By the sound of it, you could probably assume I committed adultery or homicide, but I haven't. Though had I, I'm sure the experience would have been far more pleasurable and exciting than watching the new Transformers flick... which is exactly what I did last night.

There is no exact word to describe just how horrible this film is. I can't call it a B-movie, because it had the annual revenue of a small country pumped into it. I can't use my wealth of thesaurus words relating to "crappy" to describe this film, because that will no doubtably bring to mind fond memories of laughably rank or outrageous films, made popular by grindhouses, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or other such sources.

No, no, no - no one word will do it. There is, however, a two-word combination that will sum up Transformers quite well: "Michael Bay".

Okay, so that may be a name, but it should be recognized historically as a phrase synonymous with "God awful 'films' that earn more money that they should ever deserve". Perhaps if he stopped at The Rock, he would be okay in my book, but the bugger was just plague out of control, wasn't he? Let us take a look at what his prolonged life has given us:
Armageddon (originally titled: "Another Painfully Cliche Disaster Movie")
Pearl Harbor (Ben Afflect still can't act)
The Island (which, though they deny it, is a direct remake of "parts, the clonus horror" (that's right - no caps) which was featured on MST3K)
Transformers (I'll get to this shortly)

And let me not forget to mention the horrible years in between these duds in which we waited in suspense of what crap Mr. Bay would be flinging at us next. In some ways, Michael Bay is a disaster movie.

That said, I have no idea where to start in tearing apart Transformers, much like how I wish Megatron would have done to each and every human actor in this 2 hour bore-fest (and right afterwards if he could tear up every remaining copy of the script, that'd be great, too). Ideally, you and I would break into every movie retailer, steal every copy of the just-released Transformers DVD, burn all but one, then watch that one, pausing along to way for me to point out what is wrong with every scene. Then after we'd finish with that copy, we'd drive over to Michael Bay's and force him to eat it. My only hope is that it is released as one of those special edition 5-disc bundles, so we can provide Bay with a lovely 3-course meal, with extra servings of dessert.

To start let's talk about the robots, hm? Good luck trying to tell any of them apart. Unless we're talking about Optimus Prime or Bumblebee, the Autobots and Decepticons pretty much blend into the next dark grey hunk of random metallic junk. It doesn't help that each robot is so frikin' complex you can barely tell just what the hell you're looking at. Seriously, I couldn't tell their heads apart from their asses (or their Autobutts, if you prefer). And with the cinematographer's apparent love for telephoto lenses, good luck trying to figure out just what the hell you're looking at. Even a non-film major friend of mine turned to me and asked: "wouldn't it make more sense if this was a wide angle shot?" Yes, yes it would. That just shows you that no matter how big your budget, it doesn't save you from being talentless.

For a greater part of the film we follow around a very tiny Decepticon, who is an attempted blend of comedy, ickiness, exaggerated performance, and evil. The result, of course, is pure vomit. And while that sounds really awful to put up with in a two hour movie, with its design being just too complex, it moves too fast, too over-the-top, and too unmotivated for you to even realize what you're watching. Its death scene will leave you scratching your head, wondering: "now how the hell did that just happen?!" (And you will have shouted that phrase many, many times already at that point in the movie.)

And, one more note on the robots: the inclusion of moving mouths (and teeth?) was downright off-putting. Good or bad, it didn't matter, every robot looked rather hideous. This, combined with the previous mention of their unnecessarily complex design (or ILM saying: "hey! look what we can do!"), is proof this film suffers from poor artistic design. So little actually reads (animation language for "I don't know what the hell I'm looking at") it might actually dawn upon viewers that they paid $7-10 to be confused for two hours. Listen, if I want to be utterly confused, all I have to do is contemplate why God would create a world in which Michael Bay is allowed to make crappy movies. And I do that anyway! Yet it costs nothing, and it still causes me a whole lot less grief than actually watching his movies.

Speaking of grief, let me talk a little about the human actors. Okay, okay - they're mostly 2-D, nondescript, and overwhelmingly boring - I wouldn't expect anything less from a summer blockbuster. (Note that even working with stereotypes can aid a film. It's too bad no one is smart enough to use it to make a good film.) What Michael Bay succeeds in, first and foremost, is creating intolerably annoying characters.

Forgive me - I believe "annoying" is not the correct term; I think they call it "quirky" nowadays. Well, whatever they are, you'll want to jam a novelty-sized fork down their esophaguses. And whether they're characters you're forced to watch the entire film or 5-second-screen-time characters who react "amusingly" to the chaos at hand (Mr. Bay's wonderful signature), you'll hate them all equally. So many characters are introduced for the hell of it that by the end of the film they've got too many characters than they know what to do with!
Well, those cra[p]fty scriptwriters get around wrapping up story-lines by, literally, ignoring them, hoping the audiences will be so fed up with this piece of trash movie that one more glaring error in the story won't bother them. And, in some ways, they were correct. There were four characters - the Secretary of Defense, the head of "Sector 7" (whose motivations are just so questionable you will be screaming, if not just confused to silence), an inexplicably young and uber-professional hacker (supposedly the comic relief, but is really just a fatty), and some Australian coder (whose accent, if not fake, was certainly death warrant worthy) - who got no conclusion. It didn't matter, though, because I hated them so, so much that by not returning to them I was quite relieved. I just have to conclude myself that those characters are still in the underground bunker where we last saw them doing... doing something, I don't know. This movie doesn't make a lick of sense.

Even in the aftermath of the Transformer battle that left some random city in pieces, the holes and craters impressed into the streets do not amount to the number of holes in the plot. The scriptwriters, unaware there a method of undoing words (called the "delete key"), just kept on writing. Entire scenes, characters, story-lines, dialogue amount to literally nothing.
For example, there is a scene in which some military personnel discover that even severed limbs from the robots still function. Dear Lord! How does this serve the plot in any way? It doesn't - you're just wasting my time. (Interesting to note that the severed limb comes from the first Decepticon we are introduced to - a Decepticon that looks like a scorpion, but we all recognize it as a plot hole, because, even undefeated, we never see it again, not even when Megatron calls the Decepticons to battle. Seriously, these guys are some real lazy hacks.)
For further example, there's a scene where our geeky hero, Sam, is attempting to run from the Decepticons while he carries some cube that the Decepticons really want... a cube that's supposed to create life or something (who the hell really knows?). Something happens (I'm bored to semiconsciousness at this point) and somehow the cube brings a Mountain Dew vending machine, Escalade, and XBOX 360* to life. They go ballistic, firing missiles and shooting at wild, risking human lives. But that's it... the Transformers keep battling to the very end, and even after that the scriptwriters don't even both going back to the massacre still in progress on the streets. So just what was the point of all that, you ask? Simply this: product placement. Mountain Dew, Escalade, XBOX. (Imagine how you'd feel after watching a two hour commercial, and then you have an idea how I feel.)

*Isn't it ridiculous enough that in the midst of this huge robot battle there are still people idly walking around, shopping obliviously? Honestly, even though I'm a film student, I can suspend my disbelief... but Sunday driving and the urge to play video games in the middle of a giant, deathly robot battle? C'mon! Even 2-dimensional characters run for their lives when threatened!

So, let me suspend my disbelief again: maybe you didn't watch Transgenders for story, character, plot, etc. Let's just suppose, you watched it for great action sequences.. you know, hypothetically, of course. Still, if anyone could ever be so shallow, the action sequences were forgettable. Even if you could even tell what was going on with the unnecessary close-ups, they were pretty weak. You will not find huge robots beating the crap out of each other, but you will see hunks of metal rolling around and a lot of shooting. I can see bullets in any film - I want to see metallic monsters fisty-cuffing, dammit!

Even those brief battles are overshadowed by... the human characters? Yeah, somehow they're more important than the name of frikin' title! It might have just changed its name to "Humans (and, Well, Maybe Some Robots, Too, We Don't Know Yet)". The supposed most climatic battle of the film (between Megatron and Optimus) gets second billing to the humans milling about. While they're fighting, the film cuts away to something far less important and engaging. By the time it cuts back to the battle, they're on their backs and supposedly exhausted... I think they're exhausted - I don't #$@%ing know! All I know is this film is too cheap, too dull, and too $#%^ing trite to deliver anything worthwhile! (And just wait till you see how Megatron is defeated. It's so lame, you'd swear they made it up right on the spot, if it wasn't for the massive amounts of time needed to render all the CGI.)

There may be the few of you who like to use the argument: it's a summer movie, it doesn't have to be smart. Don't ever say that - it's like an attempt to defend your own stupidity. (Likewise, saying "there are no more creative ideas" is like saying "I'm dull, and not creative, so I use this phrase to make myself feel better".) Guess what - there can be summer movies that serve mindless entertainment (guns, explosions, fights) while stimulating us intellectually. Here are some examples: The Matrix, True Lies, Minority Report, 28 Days Later, Lord of the Rings, Raiders of the Lost Arc (and the Last Crusade, for that matter), Gladiator, Casino Royale, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Die Hard... hell, I'll even toss on I, Robot, and Pirates of the Caribbean (the first) on.
These films have managed to give us action, gore, special effects, and everything we associate with Hollywood whorism AND STILL are able to give us something that doesn't treat us like complete idiots. And seriously, even I can appreciate a film with bare story and character if there's well choreographed, imaginative fight scenes. But in addition to being poorly written, directed, acted, and conceived, Transformers can't even give us good "dumb" entertainment.

And despite how long this ranted review is, it is just the tip of the iceberg, as they say. Getting into the details of the movie only uncovers more and more problems, shining a great bright light onto just how poor and pathetic these moviemakers are. If the advertisements ever claimed that you'd be talking about this film for days following, it's true. I guarantee you'll be feebly attempting to make sense of what you have just suffered through. Ultimately, you will all come to the conclusion just how the movie has no excuses and how regrettably unenjoyable it was.

done!

2007-07-23T15:21:00.001-04:00

As of 4:50 AM today I am officially finished with the Harry Potter saga.

Now commence life.

HP7

2007-07-21T23:57:00.000-04:00

I've just started reading the final Harry Potter novel. In other words, I have disappeared in my room cutting off all contact for however many days it takes me to read it and sulk over its ending.

As always, things to talk about, but at this current moment none of it is as important as Harry Potter.

.Neil.

Big Brother is watching...

2007-07-20T15:34:00.000-04:00

E! Entertainment News, not your boring life, Sir Big Bore Mckinneyboringson III.

Breaking news! Homeland Security was able to stop an attempted suicide bombing plot by screening instant message conversations coming in and out of the country! Through special connections, I was able to get ahold of the alleged conversation:

...but seriously, wouldn't that be hilarious?

Have you met the Spud Brothers?

2007-07-18T18:25:00.000-04:00

No?

It's the Spuuuuud Brothers!
Spuuuuuuuud Brotherssss!
Brothers in blood
brothers in petty crime!
It's the Spuuuuud Brothers, yeah!

They're kinda like the Hardy Boys, but royally stupid and they commit petty crimes as opposed to solving mysteries. I had half considered making my thesis on these guys in a Saturday morning cartoon style (commercials and accidentally being recorded over by basketball). It's still a possibility. For all I know my advisor will tell me to drop my current idea altogether when I return to school.

The Spud Bros. find themselves in an abandoned building, where they do the natural thing and dare eachother to spit and throw their undies off the balcony. Meanwhile, a disgruntled construction worker (looking like Kirk Douglas) happens to be sitting on the wrong street corner and is spitted and undie-ed. Long story short, he grabs a hold of them and the film turns into a torture flick. Of course, the construction worker takes advice from a sock puppet, who only he perceives as real. And when he breaks out the vegetable peeler... well, it's too gruesome to discuss.

I should probably describe how I ran across these fellows. Well, one night a few months back I was preparing to make some latkes (potato pancakes) for company. I found an old bag o' potates deep in the pantry and decided to finish 'em off. So I stick my hand in there, and when I feel some disturbingly prickley I recoil in horror (and probably scream, I can't remember). What I thought was a hungry rat turned out to be... the Spud Brothers! They've been part of the family ever since.

Anyway, that's it for now...
Spppuuuuuuuuud Brothers!

.Neil.

Yeeeech!

2007-07-16T17:10:00.001-04:00

Let us now observe a spider up close:

It's like staring into the face of death, isn't it? And not the sort of ease-off-to-sleep death, or even the quick-hammer-over-the-head death, either. It's more like the your-death-will-be-very-long-and-very-agonizing- as-you-wait-for-my-children-to-hatch-under- your-skin-then-eat-their-way-out sort of death. I cannot support that type of death and I hope that no one I vote for will ever support that type of death, either. (Watch out for this hot issue in the coming presidential election!)

Clearly God dropped the ball on this one. It's like He left the spider design to an overambitious intern. The intern brainstorms: "You know what would be even cooler than four legs? Eight legs, man! And a freakton of eyes, too.. in all sorts of weird places! Oh! and check out his attack pose! Pretty cool, huh?" I'm sure if God caught this one before it got off the assembly line, he would have given strict orders to limit production of these things to just over a thousand, or however many it would take to fill the intern's bedroom. Or, the least He could have done would be to put a little brown sack over every spider's face and given them little DnD boards to play with in their basements, so they never infringe upon the beauty of this world.

And, man! they're just not cool! I could get over the ugly factor if they weren't so freakin' uptight. Like, I'd like to go up to one and offer him a pound (but with a finger tip instead of knuckles), 'cause it looks like he's got the sort of legs that would lend themselves great for a pound. Instead, it goes into that hideous attack pose and I get the jibblies.

Daddy-long-legs are cool. Moths are cool. Same goes for beetles. Spiders, though? Absolute freaks of nature.

--Heir to the Throne--

I love this...

2007-07-14T01:39:00.000-04:00

You know, I'm not really a fan of the Dick Tracy comic strip. I can't help but thinking how far more entertained I would be if they just filled that space with Don Knotts performing various expressions. Honestly, how much story can occur in three panels? I gotta wait an entire day just for Dick to pull into his drive way. And if he's parallel parking? Forget it! That's, like, a week-long epic.

So, combine this with some pretty stiff and dated artwork, and you've got a pretty dull comic. And I'm not the only one who thinks so - apparently Dick Locher, who makes the strip, agrees! Check out today's comic:

I mean, it's like he's just given up with the Dick Tracy storyline altogether and has instead decided to just start killing off random people in a variety of different ways. Now THAT'S entertainment. I honestly could get used to this.

Looks like Mr. Tracy nearly avoids certain doom, yet again.. and it looks like I have to put this back on the shelf...

State Slogans

2007-07-08T16:03:00.000-04:00

Delaware officials recently came to the conclusion that their lack of tourism is due mostly to the fact that Delaware is a pretty sucky state.

Good news to residents of Delaware and fellow sucky states: no matter how sucky your state is, there is always a chance for good tourism. It's all in marketing. Unfortunately, the best slogan the Delaware PR boys could come up with was: "Delaware: It's Good Being First [Unless We're Talking About Testing The Water To See If It's Inhabited By Pirannas Or Not]."

News flash: as any kindergardener can tell you, first is the worst, and second is the best. Pennsylvania with its rollicking mountains and its difficult to spell name (probably inspired by the Quakers' ancestry going back to Count Dracula) has got you beat. Third, New Jersey, is the one with the hairy chest, but we are all aware of how unkempt Jersey is. (Obligatory New Jersey smells joke.)

If you're going to boast, boast well. And never tell anyone outright why they should visit - that just sounds overly desperate. Arrogance is a key skill. Plus, glossing over the truth doesn't hurt.

Delaware: We're Too Good For You
Delaware: Our Girls Are Pretty Trashy
Delaware: Like One Big Radioactive Freak Show
Delaware: The Deliverance Experience
Delaware: You'll Never Find Our Leprechaun Gold
Delaware: Actual Birthplace Of Jesus Christ
Delaware: Grave Robbing Frowned Upon But Still Accepted
Delaware: Children Still Accepted As Legal Tender
Delaware: Prostitutes Available Upon Request
Delaware: We Caught, Prosecuted, and Executed Waldo
Delaware: Way of the Blade
Delaware: Our Marshes Can Hide All Your Incriminating Past
Or Delaware: A Good Place To Hide Bodies, Just Be Sure To Pick Up A Souvenir On Your Way Out
Delaware: Al-Qaeda Doesn't Care Enough About Us To Hate Us
Delaware: No High School Educated Brat Will Ever Find Us On A Map
Delaware 2: Badass Parade
Delaware: We'd Toll, But We Don't Want Your Dirty Money
Delaware: Future Plans To Build A Laser To Blow Up The Moon
Delaware: Home Of The Mole People
Delaware: Intergalactic Ninja Training Center
Delaware: Our Roads Are Built With The Bones Of Our Enemies

... What was my point again?

Short one this time

2007-07-06T21:35:00.000-04:00

I'm confused.

Even though I'm convinced that I'm actually a 58-year old Chinese Woman, people keep trying to tell me I'm not. However, they also tell me that I am what I eat, so you can see where the confusion comes in.

Comedy Law

2007-07-06T01:55:00.000-04:00

Throw a brick out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a lamp out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Misfire a gun in a random direction.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Misfire an arrow in a random direction.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a crumpled kleenex out the window... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Quickly throw an incriminating object over the shoulder.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drop a pin down a well... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw a boot into the hall.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Throw Arch Hall, Jr. out a window.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drop a bowling ball down a flight of stairs.... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.
Drive a '73 Cadillac off the canyon gorge... stock cat screech SFX offscreen.

I think it's safe to say this joke has moved beyond tired cliche into the realm of comedy law. If ever there was to be a scene in any comedy film in which some object is thrown off screen without the accompaniment of the dutiful stock cat screech SFX, the cinematic quality of the film would just drop. It'd be like not lighting a scene. Or not bothering to load the film into the camera before shooting. Or just neglecting to use periods to end sentences [STOP] *

*This joke would have worked better if it would allow me to insert mulitple spaces as to imply the sentence can't end. It was pretty funny, actually.... really.

However, cinema law is meant to be broken. This is how film geniuses are created - by shaking foundations. The first director to say: "No, we're not going to start the scene with an establish shot, we're starting close up, man, and I mean real close up! I want to fall in the actor's pores, man, and just stay there for the entire thing!" was probably not a film genius. The one who decided to start on a close up, move to a medium, then close on a wide shot probably got some recognition, though.

And I am a genius director.. without a camera. So I will demonstrate with the power of words (in semi-script format):

INT. BERNARD'S APT - NIGHT

GRETA, 26, unnecessarily hot but innocent, strolls about the room.

GRETA: Nice place you got.

BERNARD, 28, ridiculously not good enough for her, spots an erotic brick on his coffee table. He grabs it quickly and unsuccessfully discretely.

GRETA: What's that potentially embarrassing object you may or may not be holding?

BERNARD: Oh, um...

Bernard tosses the erotic brick over his shoulder. It flies out the window.
OFFSCREEN:
Ding! ding! (sounds of a bike bell) SMACK! "AH! Sonofa... whooooa!" Swerving, rattling, and the sound of a bike smashing a windshield. Car alarm goes off.
"Hey, man! What the f--- did you do to my wheels?!"
"It-it was an accident, I swear! An erotic brick came outta nowhe-"
"Like sh-- it did, you mutha f---er!"
"No - wait! Don't!"
BLAM! BLAM BLAM!
"Ohhh sh--, man! You killed him! oh f---, oh f---, oh f---!"
"Shut the f--- up, man! The mutha f---er had it comin'!"
"S---!... The cops are gonna find out, man - f---!"
"HEY! I said shut the f---"
Sounds of a police siren. Scrambling about.
[On loudspeaker]: "Put down your weapons! Come out with your hands up!"
"Oh, man, I told you, man!"
"Shut the f--- up and get the car started... TAKE THIS YOU MUTHA F---ERS!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"Suspect has become hostile - return fire!"
Lots of guns firing incessantly.
"Hurry the f--- up and get the car started!"
"The keys the keys! I don't know which ones, man!"
[On Loudspeaker:] "Cease fire! Cease fire! M'am, get down! Get out of the line of fire!"
Sounds of a panicking old lady. BLAM! BLAM!
[On Loudspeaker:] "M'am! Get the hell outta there!"
BLAM BLAM BLAM! Stock old lady screech.
[On Loudspeaker:] "F---! Get an ambulance!"
Gun fire resumes from both sides. Sound of car starting.
"I got it! I got it!"
"Good - now get us the hell outta here!!"
vvvVVVVRROOM! Car tire squeals. Smmmash! Glass breaking. "Watch out!" "Take cover!" Car drives again. Clang! ffffFFFFFRRROOOOOOSSSSHHHHH! Sound of a fire hydrant breaking off and water shooting out of the ground.
"What the F---, man?!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"MAN, WHAT THE -"
BLAM!
" - AARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
"Oh God! oh God! oh God! Blood!"
Car reverses. Sound of crash and wood fracturing. Wood groaning, then telephone pole collapsing. Smmmmasssh! Sounds of electricity. Sounds of jittering, stuttering screaming. Then eerie silence.

BERNARD: Nothing! Nothing at all!

FADE OUT.

You know, if someone steals this and uses before I can, I may just have to bust a cap in someone's ass.
-HEIR TO THE THRONE-

preview rambling

2007-07-05T15:57:00.000-04:00

I just recently saw Ratatouille in theaters (as everyone should be doing!), and had the exquisite pleasure of sitting through some previews. By "exquisite pleasure" I, of course, I mean "had my eyes whisked by a thousand needles". I don't particularly remember the specific order, so, orderless, here the films that will collectively usher the downfall of cinema:

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is a film about Dustin Hoffman (Mr. Magrumium) and his most fantastical toy store. Or so the trailer is trying to convince me. The only fantastical thing I can see so far is how any of these characters are able to live when the cinematographer keeps cutting the actors' foreheads off. Maybe that's what it'll take for anyone to enjoy this film - having their brains removed by a careless cameraman. And maybe that's what it took to get Dustin Hoffman and Jason Bateman (the stiff-upper-lip-doesn't-believe-in-magic-prick-accountant) to star in this magical mystery [trite] store story.

(As for Natalie Portman? She's been dredging the bottom of my hate-phrases barrel ever since starring in Star Wars. She just opened herself to every crappy film possibility after that, and, in all fairness, her career should be wrecked. If Lucas' Howard the Duck should ruin Lea Thompson (don't worry, I still love you), Portman should receive no forgiveness for starring in not just one but THREE George Lucas films.)

Maybe I'm judging too soon; I'll be the first to say it. Previews are always nearly god awful (unless there's a genuine creative force behind making them), and there is still chance the film could be okay, what with being written and directed by Zach Helm, who was behind Stranger Than Fiction. I'm thinking maybe Jason Bateman is actually the evil Nazi, Hasenpfeffer, who returned to America to retrieve some missing diamonds that Mr. Magnesium may or may not know the whereabouts to. The torture scene involving Hungry, Hungry Hippos and a Lite Brite will leave audiences disturbed and frightened to the end of their wits.

"Is it safe?" Not this film, no, probably not.

Sequels are mad scary. I'm not talking about specifics films, I'm talking about the very concept of the sequel. There are a lot of bad movies lurking out there, and any of them - and I mean ANY - could easily resurface in movie theaters, uglier and more frightening than ever. You know the scenario: just when the heroes think they killed the monster, it comes back.

That said, would you believe they're making a follow up to Daddy Day Care? Yeah, now it's a Daddy Day Camp, joining the great list of kid camp movies: Meatballs, Bushwacked, Camp Nowhere, and The Blair Witch Project (if only). You know, never mind they couldn't get the original actors to reportray their roles - apparently Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin have some sense (um, never mind Pluto Nash, of course). So the producers got another black and white duo to fill their shoes - Jeff Garlin and... Cuba Gooding Jr.? I'm trying to figure out who is more depressed: me seeing Cuba in another god-awful film, or Cuba, himself, because something must be leading him to sell his soul time and time again. Cuba, just because the film is labeled as a "comedy", that is no guarantee it'll make you any happier.

So, all the kids have grown up since the last film, but no worries, all kids are pretty much the same. Let's see who we've got on the range...
So, in this gang of merry misfit youths, we've got the sick, queasy, pale, 4-eyed, future-of-DnD boy. His thing? He vomits a lot, AND on the camp counselors (brilliant!). Then we have the overly intellectual, lawyer-type girl who won't shut her yapper. That's funny, I guess, but not nearly as funny as a swift backhand. And finally, there's "Mullet"... the kid with the mullet. He pretends to be really cool and suave, but we all know he's secretly gay. This film is more than a comedy, it's an emotional journey, dammit.
Then there are some other underdeveloped kids. They'll blend nicely in the background, no one will notice them.

I've seen this trailer a million times already. It's a story zany antics, getting along, family, and bla bla bla. Things crash, things explode, kids throw around edgy catch phrases, adults look shocked, and oh! punch in the crotch! Take that authority figure!
That's just wrong, people. Crotch hits are never funny because they're always in the wrong bad films. I would have loved to have seen Mr. Magromitt served a firm right jab in his own magical trunk. Now THAT would have been funny! (Excuse me while I laugh uncontrollably at the phrase "magical trunk" as a substitute for...)

Now I already know I'm not wrong on this film and how it'll reek. That doesn't mean I can't dream (and dream big). I have lovely visions of crazed individuals with chainsaws knocking off the kids one by one. Or maybe they camp right on an ancient Indian burial ground and the road kill squirrel the kids bury comes back to life and kills off the children one by one. ... Maybe I just want lots of death. Aren't these films supposed to make me feel good?

The only condolence I can take is that these people have to watch their own movie during the premiere. I hope the experience is excruciating.. and I hope their popcorn is stale.

Another frightening concept is the franchise-resurrected-from-the-dead turned into a movie. It's like having a very horny and single grandfather. He's so desperate for any sort of loving, he'll approach anyone and do anything. That's all fine and good, as long as he's minding his own business, but then Bam! you bump into him at a bar doing something downright nefarious with the fattest chick in the joint. Right there your childhood is ruined, you become disillusioned, and realized that maybe you shouldn't have donated your rare blood type after he had that nasty slip in the tub that fractured his skull. Maybe that was his time to go.

Underdog, however, is like the grandpa I never liked to begin with. He's more like the step-grandpa, who I periodically wished had never been born. The show Underdog I thought was uninspired, poorly animated drivel (thank you, modernists), and now it's back to irk me even more. This CGI bloated money-stealer (if you're a parent with young kids, I am very deeply sorry for you) is so annoyingly aggravating (based on trailer, of course) with its only-20%-related-to-the-original premise I'm about ready to upchuck on the carpet, had the cat not beaten me to it.

People who make movies with talking animals (exception: Babe) need to have their knee caps stolen. Okay, maybe it's just me, but I see it as a forced measure to get kids to get to theaters. Never mind original story, good directing, clever jokes, or anything that makes a film decent - that can all be bypassed with cute [talking] animals. But let me not be entirely pessimistic. Those of you who are dragged to this film will be enthralled by the clever dialogue, packed to the brim with fart related gags, I'm sure.

(Irksome point #2: okay, so they revived a franchise. But did they have to pervert it? Updating a premise does not immediately mean fill with sex, poop, and dumb gags. Keep it true!)

There were no crotch-punches in this film,... maybe there should be. I'd like to see that dog get what's coming to him, if only he wasn't mostly CGI, and probably neutered at that. So I'd like to send a kick in the crotch to Frederik Du Chau's way, because not only did he direct this film, he also directed Racing Stripes and Quest for Camelot.

Speaking of cute animals...

Arctic Tale hurries on the heels of March of the Penguins in attempt to catch the trendy cute-animal-documentary wave before global warming dehydrates all the oceans (as this film would have you believe). A dual-story of a walrus and her calf, and a polar bear and her cubs, the film touts itself as being made by the same people who did March of the Penguins. As further proof it'll be good, the movie-guy announcer used a lot of the same adjectives critics used to describe MotP.

Will it be up to snuff? Well, they couldn't get Morgan Freeman to do voice over work, so they got the next best thing: Queen Latifah. Certainly, if we're stupid enough to buy tickets to this film, we're probably not smart enough to distinguish black people apart. (Or maybe you're just a bunch of racists, aren't you?) Forget Freeman's knock-out voice and graceful narration style, Latifah's got AT-IT-TUDE, foo'.
Let's not stop there either, let's cram some political ideology in the mix. At every point you see these animals struggling in the wild, guess what? it's your fault for driving your car so much. YOU'RE killing these animals. Queen Latifa told me so.
Oh! wait wait! And and and - get this - instead of the subtlety and nuance of MotP in which all expressions, moods, and tones are conveyed through camera work and the animals' natural behavior, we're adding fart humor!... and maybe some voice over narration for the animals (Neil has yet to confirm this!).

It's enough to make me buy an SUV, spend my fortune on burning gasoline, and just wait for the rest of these Arctic creatures to die off so I won't have to see another of these previews. It's enough to make me move to China, so every time I have to see a banal talking dog preview I can step outside to the market and order honey roasted dog on a stick. And it's enough to make me push this far, far from my mind, and instead occupy it with pleasant, happier things (kickline frogs, for example). That means I should probably end this post.

At least Ratatouille was amazing.

-Heir to the Throne-

All the cool kids are doing it...

2007-07-05T11:30:00.000-04:00

THIS is not a periodical update of my life.
THIS is not emotastic ramblings of how miserable life is, or why you should pity me.
THIS is not guaranteed to make any sense!

I'll say it up front: there is no real point to this at all! Every so often I just need to exercise my fingertips and purge my brain of idle ramblings. The majority of what will be written will be inconsequential, incoherent, and most likely inaccurate in describing my true opinions on topics. I don't plan on lying, but neither do I plan on reciting the truth. So can you blame me for any offense you may take while reading this? Certainly not. However, I will take offense you even considered blaming me!

Salud,
Heir to the Languish Dynasty